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It Will Also Take Away Your Blemishes and Adam's Apple
JAP #1, after #2 took her picture: Ugh! Doesn't the camera add 50 pounds?!
JAP #2: No, I changed it so it wouldn't do that anymore.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
I'm Cheating on God with Michael Kors!
JAP #1: You totally go to Bergdorf's more than you go to temple.
JAP #2: No... [After long pause] Oh my god, I totally do!
--5th Ave
He Felt Guilty about Attaining Enlightenment
JAP #1: Is he a Juddhist?
JAP #2: A what?
JAP #1: You know, a Jew Buddhist.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah, totally.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ein Berliner
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So, of Course, I Had to Make It Go Away
JAP #1: So, I'm outside smoking a cig, right? And there's this guy, like, smoking right across the street. O-M-G... He walks across the street, and, like, stands right in front of me and stares!
JAP #2: Was he cute?!
JAP #1: Ewww! His hard-on was sooo gross!
--Whole Foods, 24th & 6th
Best Possible Place to Throw Up
Ana JAP #1: Do you have fat free ice cream?
Cashier: Uh, no.
Ana JAP #1: What about, like, sorbet?
Cashier: We have sugar-free sorbet.
Ana JAP #2: Can we try it? [Cashier gets three sample spoons.]
Ana JAP #3: Oh my god, I can't do this.
Jap #1: Yeah. Sorry, we're not going to get anything.
Ana JAP #3: Yeah. Sorry.
Ana JAP #2: That was a moment of weakness!
Ana JAP #1: My god. I know! [To the cashier] Is there an Urban Outfitters around here?
--Ben & Jerry's, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: How can I walk with this heavy cream on my ass?
See the Veins Stuck between My Teeth?
JAP: There's a smelly girl sitting next to me... Why don't people like taking showers?
Hipster: Maybe she's organic... We have this lady that's organic here. I try to stay away from her. And not because she smells... Because I'm a carnivore.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Omnivorist
But Maybe That Has More to Do with This Starbucks Sandwich I'm Eating
NYU JAP #1: So, like, do you want to go get margaritas tonight?
NYU JAP #2, grimacing: Ugh. I'm, like, still nauseous. If you, like, say 'margarita' again, I might throw up.
--University & Waverly
Then I Suggest You and Your Kid Angle for an Invite to the Neverland Ranch
Old JAP: I wanna sue somebody.
Lawyer: For what?
Old JAP: For a million dollars. I'm fucking tired of working.
--Supreme Court, 89-00 Sutphin Blvd, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
We Spoke Only Esperanto at Home
JAP #1: Well, call me on your phone.
JAP #2: What?!
JAP #1: Call me on your phone?
JAP #2: Oh. I thought you just said something in French or something.
JAP #1: I can't speak French!
--Washington Square Park
The New Racism
JAP #1: I can't believe I'm doing this for her. I mean, she doesn't even like me.
JAP #2: She doesn't like you? Why?
JAP #1: Because I'm a slut.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah...
--East Village
Overheard by: Miss J
I Have the Squish Marks to Prove It
JAP #1: Well, whatever, I'm over him.
JAP #2: I was never under him.
JAP #3: I was.
--Times Square
Overheard by: ella
My Daddy Says He Has a Very Expensive One on His Back
JAP #1: If you had the chance to hold a monkey, but you had to pay, like, five dollars for it, would you do it?
JAP #2: Oooh, uh-uh. Ain't no monkey worth five dollars of my time.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: sarah+ryan
Sorry, We Can't Allow That
JAP #1: When I grow up I want to be purple.
JAP #2: What? I'm putting that on Facebook!
JAP #1: Why? I was just talking to myself... Fuck, I was talking to myself.
--82nd & Lex
They Take Your Money and Don't Care If You Live or Die
JAP #1: It's like, I can't dance on the bar and dress slutty anymore. It's just not appropriate.
JAP #2: You did it in college all the time.
JAP #1: But college is different! College is like being in Vegas...
JAP #2: Yeah, for four years!
--Columbus Circle
It's Time You Accepted That He's Gone
Hipster girl: Let's just go to the arcade with them.
JAP: I'd rather make out with Hitler.
--85th & Park
Another Doomed Hipster-Princess Love Affair
JAP: So he, like, lives in Brooklyn. On purpose.
Three friends: Ewww...
--LIRR
I Would Shave, Though
Queer hipster: Do my labia look too puffy?
JAP: What?
Queer hipster: My labia!
JAP: What the hell did you just say? I can't hear you.
Queer hipster: My va-gi-na lips! Do they look too puffy?
JAP: Oh... No, not at all.
--Ben & Jerry's
At Least, That's What I Heard
JAP #1: Isn't The Pursuit of Happyness an action movie? Because he needs money--
JAP #2: --Not all black people need to shoot people for money.
--Lehman College cafeteria
Overheard by: can't breathe
Didn't I Warn You to Stay Away from the Kennedys?
Jewish chick #1: ... So basically what you're saying is, you got drunk, went to his apartment, and he raped you?
Jewish chick #2: I guess, technically, yeah. But he was totally hot and his apartment was amazing, so whatever.
--H&M, Soho
Overheard by: lc
Can You Believe That Tasti D-Lite Isn't Real Ice Cream? Crazy.
JAP: Can you believe it's snowing upstate? It's crazy.
Hispanic delivery man: Yeah.
JAP: Can you believe that that Yankee died? It's crazy.
Hispanic delivery man: Yeah.
--Empire State Building
Speaking of Cheesy Things?
JAP #1: Oh my god, is that how you spell 'quiche'? I always thought it was spelled K-E-E-S-H. That is a really weird spelling.
JAP #2: Yeah, that is a totally weird spelling.
JAP #1: And I'm usually such a good speller!
JAP #2: Yeah, you are totally such a good speller! ... Have you ever seen Sixteen Candles?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: unhipster
That One Paid the Most
White guy: So, you are an artist now?
Weird-looking JAP: Yeah.
White guy: Weren't you a musician just a month ago?
Weird-looking JAP: Yes.
White guy: What the fuck is going on?
Weird-looking JAP: I believe in this religion that asks me to experience my life with different professions.
White guy: So, what were you before you were a musician?
Weird-looking JAP: I was homeless.
--Houston & MacDougal
Overheard by: ting
Wednesday One-Liners Love Juicy
JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything -- I even made out with a few the other night -- but I am not going to Outback.
--Spring St
Overheard by: Jason
JAP on cell: And I was like, 'Have you been in the new building yet?' And he was like, 'I know, it's a maze.' And I was like, 'Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!' And he was like, 'Um, no... I mean, like, a... maze.'
--Bryant Park
JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!
--79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lisa
20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! ... But I don't want to call him! Why can't you just call him for me? I'm not calling him! ... But my asshole is still bleeding!
--Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway
JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, 'No, but thanks for noticing!' He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.
--88th & Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Are You Coming On to Me?
JAP: I almost pooped my pants.
Boy: When?
JAP: Just now.
--4 train, 59th & Lex
Besides, We Have No Guarantee Her Super Powers Will Be Used Only for Good
JAP #1: Besides, you can't fit a pancake in a hole that size.
JAP #2: Well, what if Hillary runs for President?
JAP #1: Yeah, like a Nazi Feminista president can bend the laws of physics.
--53rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Matt Chancellor
All I'm Going to Say Is That the First One Is Free
Old JAP: Alan, I'm thinking about upgrading my phone. I hear good things about the Blackberry, but will that be compatible to send emails to my friends with Crackberries?
Alan: Ummm, I'm not going to bother explaining, but yes, they are compatible.
--Kosher pizza place
Overheard by: Shira
Wednesday One-Liners Went to Choate
Snob on cell: Could you do me a huuuge favor? Could you go outside and tell me what series BMW I own?
--69th & Lex
Overheard by: Bitter
Woman to another: I admire her strength so much... I don't know how she did it! She raised three kids all by herself! Of course, she had her husband, but he doesn't count. She still managed to raise three kids without a nanny or housekeeper! Can you imagine?
--Lex, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Chantell
JAP: Do we have a reservation?
--Outside Dean & Deluca, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: The Decline of the West
Fussy rich girl picking up a 710-dollar Prada wallet: This would, like, so be a great trinket for Missy for Christmas.
--Saks, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Kerri.
JAP on cell: I don't think you will like Daniel, but he is worth meeting because he is a billionaire.
--25th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: I'd like Daniel
No-Class Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it!
--23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
Girl on cell: Yo! I'm in class trying to act all straight, and it's hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o' that shit. I have to go, my professor's here.
--John Jay College of Criminal Justice
Overheard by: hannah
JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don't know how to change it.
--Shun Lee Palace
Overheard by: colette
Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes.
--Borough of Manhattan Community College
Overheard by: Caitl
Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, 'I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.'
--6 train, 68th St
Overheard by: glad they went to private school
Hey, that Taco Was Asking for It
JAP #1: Well, how do you know he's cheating on you with that [lowers voice to loud whisper] Puerto Rican girl?
JAP #2: God, I don't for sure know, alright?! Maybe because his dick smells like a Taco Bell, okay?!
--6 train
Overheard by: Maria
Just the Ear Buds
JAP #1: I think I'm going to break up with him. He really has, like, no money.
JAP #2: Really?
JAP #1: Yeah. He, like, doesn't even have an iPod.
--116th & Broadway
It's Her Ex
Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.
--East Village
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.
--Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.
--Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
--71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.
--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
The First Arm's Easy, the Second One's a Real Problem
Long Island JAP #1: Are all New York City girls drug-addict whores?
Long Island JAP #2: Yeah, but so are girls from Long Island. There's really no difference.
Random Upper East Side JAP: Oh my god, can I just interject for a second here? Long Island girls and New York City girls are not the same thing. It is not okay to wear Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts, and we're all addicted to drugs because we don't have gross Long Island weed and coke that is ninety-nine percent baking soda. And we're whores because we're like a thousand times hotter than you'll ever be, even when we're not wearing makeup. Plus, I don't tawk like this.
Long Island JAP #1: Wow, that was, like, seriously uncalled for.
Upper East Side JAP: Yeah well, I'd rather cut off my own arms than live in Long Island. Also, I'm just high, so don't really pay attention to me.
--Serafina, Upper East Side
And Apparently a Contagious One
JAP #1: Oh god, it's so funny sometimes to start a sentence with, "But I have a brain tumor!"
JAP #2: That's so not funny.
JAP #1: But I do have a brain tumor! See? So funny!
--2 train
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Why Is This Girl Riding the Subway?
JAP: Oh my god, I can't wait to move into the city. I can't take my house anymore, my parents are always up my ass. Gabby, what time will you be home? Gabby, don't forget to tell Rosa to pick up your dry cleaning! Gabby, we're paying your tuition, you can't treat this house like a hotel! It's so annoying! I just wanna be on my own, I can take care of myself, I don't need them constantly doing stuff for me!
Friend: Yeah... So where were you thinking of moving?
JAP: I dunno, my dad said he might let me move into his apartment on 89th. Either that, or a partner at his firm is selling a co-op that he might buy for me. He said I can choose.
--Uptown W train
She Blames Sex and the City for That, Too
Hyper JAP: So then I was like, "Hey, you can't just sleep with me in your mom's house and then leave, because I don't even know your mom and I don't care if she's away."
Bored JAP: Right?
Hyper JAP: I blame Sex and the City for this.
Guy sitting nearby: Hey, blame it on you being a slut! Damn.
--Starbucks, 38 Park Row
Overheard by: Katelyn
The Diminutive Diverts Attention from the Large Nose
JAP #1: I hate how he calls himself "Bobby" just to seem more Jewish!
JAP #2: Yeah, why isn't he comfortable being a Bob?
--Central Park
People...People Who Read People...Are the Schmuckiest People in the World
JAP #1: Which magazine do we want -- People or Us?
JAP #2: I don't know, let's get People.
JAP #1: Yeah, People has fewer words in it.--Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Runners-Up:
· "Also Her Rationale for Rejecting the New Testament" - El Jefe
· "Also How President Bush Chooses His Speeches" - Nicole
· "Brevity Is the Soul of Twit" - Bern
· "But if You Eliminate US Magazine's Use of 'Brangelina,' It's Like 9 Words, Tops" - Riley Ray
· "But They Buy Playboy for the Articles" - Lalaith
· "Does the Menu Come on Podcast?" - Jodi
· "Jews Against 'Wholesale Bargain' Stereotype" - jason
· "Now if They Would Just Caption the Pictures with Other Pictures" - Gadfly22
· "Oy" - Wendy
· "Patiently Waiting Until Cheap Celebrity Gossip is Available Telepathically" - Diane
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
For the Anal Sex-Toy Fetishist Who Loves to Cook
Jewish girl: Where did you get this necklace?
Christian boy: It's not a necklace.
Jewish girl: Oh, right! It's those rosemary beads.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Agnostic
All the Makeup Isn't Camouflage - It's Just the Way They Like to Look
Suit on cell: No, she's not ugly. She's just a Jew.
--Water St
Wednesday One-Liners Ask: You Eating That?
JAP: Ew! I think the turkey in this salad is ham.
--30th & 7th
Overheard by: AJ Stone
Sparkling conversationalist: I couldn't eat for a while. It destroyed my appetite, and it totally killed the tapeworm. So tonight I can eat a good amount, but not a tapeworm amount.
--Lafayette between 4th & Astor
Overheard by: uncle frank
Girl: I hate eating fish, except when my grandma makes it. She makes it taste like beef.
--Central Park
Girlfriend to boyfriend: It wasn't just the egg roll, Jerry; it was all of last week.
--Washington Square
Discerning sniffer: It smells good in here...like Spam.
--Medical office, Canal & Bowery
Thug: Yo, do I still got mad hummus on my lip?
--F station, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: cara
Woman to little girl: You stick that in your mouth now before I shove it down your throat! I bought that ice cream, now stick it!
--11th & 1st
Overheard by: Jamieson
If You Regurgitate Them at the Same Time, Is It Brunch?
JAP #1: Yeah, I was only able to throw up breakfast and lunch today.
JAP#2: Damn! I hate when that happens.
--Bergdorf Goodman
Great, 'Cause My Parents Would Absolutely Kill Me If I Didn't Marry Gay
JAP: Aww, but you two would be the perfect couple!
Queer: Why?
JAP: Because you're both gay!
--French Roast Cafe, W 11th St
Overheard by: mound charger
And What About Air? People Live in it For 80 Years Then Just Die.
JAP #1: Oh my God, alcohol kills so many people.
JAP #2: Ok, you know water kills more people than alcohol.
JAP #1: What are you talking about?
JAP #2: You're so stupid! Don't you remember the floods?
--Union Square
Overheard by: bob
Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn't Get Enough Glucose
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
--Uptown E train
Who Cares -- He Can't Vote, Right?
JAP: Is Miguel Ferrer Hispanic? I mean, I know he's from Puerto Rico, but it says here he doesn't speak Spanish. Does that still make him Hispanic?
--Office, Broadway
Liza Minnelli at 15
Teen girl #1: What are we doing here?
Teen girl #2: Looking at handsome gay guys.
Teen girl #1: Why?
Teen girl #2: Because they're more fun than straight guys, and they like it when you look at them.
--Christopher Street Pier
Overheard by: brad
Wednesday One-liners, American Idols
Tourist: Oh my god! That's Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's like, actually walking down the street!
--Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear
JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!
--The Prime Grill, 49th Street
Twentysomething woman on cell: I'm gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore's dog.
--in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave
Wednesday One-liners, Fun Activities for Kids
Yuppie mom: Do you think my baby is old enough to do yoga?
--Union & Henry, Red Hook
Pregnant woman on cell: Mom, I gotta go. I can't find Jason and I need to take him home before he plays Hide and Go Soil Yourself behind the stuffer machine.
--Build-A-Bear, 5th & 46th
Overheard by: Anna Lindgren
Wednesday One-liners Deserve Each Other
Prissy girl on cell phone: Do you think I should call him? I don't think he'd talk to me after all of the shit I've pulled.
--79th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Phipmode
Guy on cell: I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. I'm usually so fucked up I don't know what's going on, to be honest.
--NJ Transit bus pulling into Port Authority
Is There Anything She Doesn't Know?
Eva Amurri to hipster companion: My father was telling me the dangers of aspartame -- you know the stuff in Diet Coke? It's like a sugar. It was once registered as a chemical weapon.
Hipster companion: Yeah?
Eva Amurri: If there is any way to become a superhero, it has to be by drinking Diet Coke.
[later]
Eva Amurri to hipster companion: I can't remember how it ends... If he dies in a war or if Gatsby gets in a car crash, but he loves Daisy.
[later still]
Eva Amurri: Pasties are Band-Aids that only cover your nipples.
--Acela train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: could you maybe namedrop your mom less, Miss Top-Volume-At-All-Times?
It's Taking Him Forever to Learn His Haftarah
Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I'll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay?
--Stabrucks, 78th & Lex
It's Not You, It's Wednesday One-liners
Hipster chick: I am so glad my ex-boyfriend and I have become friends again. I mean, I know he sued me and everything, but it just feels so good.
--Brooklyn Lyceum
Set a Course for Honkytown, Warp 9.5
Girl #1: Can I see your digital camera for a sec?
Girl #2: Not now.
Girl #1: Why not?
Girl #2: This is 125th Street. A little risky to be taking out expensive electronics.
Girl #1: Understood. I'll ask again at 86th.
--4 train
Overheard by: sarah bitchards
At Least a Hamptons Brat Has Something to Aspire To
Woman: Honey, no matter how rich we get, I refuse to move to California.
Man: Why?
Woman: Because I refuse to have a spoiled brat for a child! I would want to raise them in New York.
Man: If we're rich, won't they be spoiled either way?
Woman: Yeah, but I'd rather have a Hamptons brat than an OC brat.
--Regal Cinemas Union Square
Overheard by: Tina L
It's Not Luck, It's Planning
Yuppie businessman on cell: I don't care who designed them, you're taking them back... You spent $600 on a pair of fucking shoes!?Unbelievable... Ok, whatever, I don't care, this conversation is over... Goodbye! [to friend] Can you believe this shit?.... Lucky for her she lets me fuck her in the ass.
--46th & Madison Ave.
Overheard by: Douglas Quade
Wednesday One-liners Are Hired
Suit: When you're 25 and you measure your hourly rate in three digits it takes a hell of a lot of grief to not make it worthwhile.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gabriel Stempinski
"You call that Spanish?"
Girl #1: What did your mom give you for your birthday?
Girl #2: Oh, just money.
Girl #1: When are you gonna go shopping?
Girl #2: I'm gonna save it. I spent too much money this weekend celebrating.
Girl #1: What better to spend it on if not clothes and booze?
Girl #2: I don't know. Donate it to starving children in Ecuador or something.
Girl #1: Blah, blah, blah.
--11th Street & 3rd Avenue
Let Them Bake Cake
Girl: I guess I know a couple people up at Sarah Lawrence who work, but I don't know why anyone would want a job in college.
Guy: Yeah, working's for public college kids anyway.
--C train
She Doesn't Require Bibs Anymore
Chick #1: It's wearing off.
Chick #2: Oh my god, it looks so good though.
Chick #1: Yeah. Botox really works.
Chick #2: My mom doesn't need that but she really needs a neck lift.
--Sarabeth's (East), Madison Avenue
Wednesday One-liners Turn Up the Radio
Tween girl: The thing most people don't get about techno is, it's so emotional.
--76th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rachel
The Blind Man Was a Bluff
JAP #1: So then he like...stuck his stick up her hoo-ha!
JAP #2: Like in her area? You mean he went for the cash and prizes?
JAP #1: Yeah! So he like... hit her there with his stick, and she spun around and was like, "What the fuck?", but then was like, "Oh, you're blind." But I don't care. It's fucked up.
--University & Waverly
Overheard by: tj
Wednesday One-liners, Princess Edition
JAP: I like, didn't even know I had a middle name until my bat-mitzvah.
--53rd & 8th
Overheard by: Phil
Maybe He Just Likes Eating Out
JAP #1: It's like, I don't know if I'm that into him, but I could use a nice meal.
JAP #2: Is he into you?
JAP #1: I don't know, he's like, "Let's do dinner and...whatever."
--Fresh Bites, 57th & 6th
No, That's Pretty Much Judaism
Girl #1: I really like matzoh bread.
Girl #2: Yeah, my friend makes it really amazing because she fries it in butter and sugar. It's so good.
Girl #1: Wait, is that allowed? I thought matzoh was supposed to be about suffering.
--Lafayette Street Residence
Wednesday One-liners (K) Parve
Woman on cell: I'm at Fiddler on the Roof...A play.
--45th & 7th
Overheard by: Hope Abrams
Orthodox man on cell: $700,000...this is nothing to do with money...I just want to get even with that guy...the one you wanted to smack...Goldberg...he's a liar and a thief and he wanted me to deal with a Gentile.
--Madison & 33rd
JAP: Sorry, I just get very Jewish about my weed.
--Madison & 97th
Overheard by: drew grant
When They Use Matzoh Instead of Graham
Pre-JAP: Oh, and? At the party, we're making schmores.
Jewish mom: S'mores.
Pre-JAP: That's what I said. Schmores.
--Loews, 42nd Street
Overheard by: Heather Hunter
Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People
Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.
--The Gate, Park Slope
A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?
--Broadway & 80th
Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, "Arr, you're a pirate?" and her mom was like, "Actually, she had her eye put out."
--27th street office
JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for "tall, dark and handsome" and all I ever end up with is "short, hairy, Jewish". I guess I should just accept my fate.
--Starbucks, 48th & 3rd
Black guy: I ain't Jewish, so I don't be doin' no Yom Kippur.
--D train
Overheard by: Nash Astor
Shalom, Wednesday One-liners
Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.
--F train
Overheard by: bluesdog
Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don't know. I have to consider it. I'm not super Jewish and he's not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.
--Union Square
Lady: I just don't get smoking, or people who smoke...smoking and bacon; I don't get it.
--UWS elevator
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Readers: Answer This Mindboggling Question
JAP: Didn't it fall down back in the early nineties too?
--Ground Zero
Greetings from the Freak Borough
JAP on cell: Yeah, he's cute, but he's from Staten Island!...Ever see that show on MTV, True Life: I'm Getting Married? Yeah, that guy was such trash, and everyone out there is like that!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Rebecca Dash
