Bartender: Tonight I’ll be dancing on the bar every three hours. I normally dance every hour but I had an abortion yesterday.
Drinker: Oh.
–48th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: drunkberserker
Archive for the ‘Abortion’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo
Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade.”
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Dashing Dan
Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.
–21st St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.
–10th & 1st
Overheard by: ED
Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.
–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens
Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.
–50th St & 9th Ave
Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.
–F Train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Unless I Got Frequent-Flyer Miles
Hoochie #1: I’m okay with abortions and everything, but I think if I had to get them every other month that’d be nasty.
Hoochie #2: Uh-huh.
–LIRR, Huntington Branch
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
Roe vs. Wednesday One-Liners
Guy, selling comedy tickets: Come on, guys, see the show! It’s cheaper than a Chinese abortion.
–Times Square
Kid: You may think of abortion like, “Oh, it’s gone!”
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emilia
Girl: Now I understand why people steal babies! It totally makes sense! We should legalize abortion.
–68th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Manic Mouse
Queer on phone: No, I’ve told you. I’m atheist, I don’t want to go to church with you. Well, I dunno what to tell you, mother, it’s too late for an abortion now. Maybe you should have used a condom.
–CVS , Cedarhurst, Long Island
Overheard by: Queer CVS clerk
Guy: So, she starts talking about abortion while I got a fuckin’ boner and I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
–W 42nd St & 8th Ave
Wednesday RU-486-Liners
Guy on cell: That’s the good thing about abortions – you can have like three a day.
–14th St & 6th Ave
Ghetto dude: I told her, I was like “if you get pregnant you best get an abortion, cause I ain’t helping you with that shit.” I mean, I would help her, but I gotta get that shit in her head.
–N Train
Overheard by: Jill
30-something woman to boyfriend: There be some muthafuckas up in here who think this shit some form of birth control. I’m woman enough; I gave birth to six kids. I ain’t doin’ it again.
–Abortion Clinic, Queens
Crazy guy on subway, preaching: You know why there’s 100 million Mexicans in America? Abortion!
–W Train
I Never Told You About the Jar on My Desk?
Suit #1: Good thing my girlfriend had an abortion, or I’d have a 16-year-old kid right now.
Suit #2: Yeah? I never heard this story.
–F Train
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: kasey
Runners-Up:
· “Haven’t You Ever Asked About My Framed Coathanger?” — Ian
· “Jesus; Always the Son, Never the Father” — benny blanco
· “Lifetime Wasn’t Interested” — Emily Leonard
· “Neither Did My Wife…” — phox
· “Once Upon a Vacuum…” — blistexaddict
· “Well Jimmy, When a Man and Woman Like Sex Without Commitments.…” — mkp-hearts-nyc
· “Your Wife Was Pretty Insistent I Never Tell You” — Greg Costello
If You’re Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don’t Have One
Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!
–Brooklyn Music School
Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Mickey
Bar customer to bartender: You’re only 22? I have an aborted fetus that’s older than you!
–110th & Amsterdam
Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend’s abortion by coming to the comedy club!
–Times Square
Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.
–D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Back Then, They Didn’t Have Bulk Discounts Either
Thug #1: Back in the day, abortions used to cost $200, can you believe that shit? Good thing that changed, or my ass would be broke.
Thug #2: Yeah me too.
Thug #3: Word.
–Downtown 5 train
Overheard by: Angie
And the Time She Said I Had a Miscarriage?
Guy #1: No, man, she’s been lying for a while now.
Guy #2: I dunno, man…
Guy #1: It’s true. Remember that time I was like, “Hey, where’s your baby?” And she was like, “Oh yeah…I had a miscarriage.“
Guy #2: True. True.
–Pick a Bagel, 3rd Ave between 22nd & 23rd
Overheard by: Shannon
Would That Have Been Better? Discuss.
Girl #1: When is she having the baby?
Girl #2: Real soon… I wouldn’t be surprised if she had it today!
Girl #3: I hope it’s a boy.
Girl #2: No. If it is, she’s giving it up for adoption. For real. I stood over her and saw her sign the papers. She should’ve just gotten an abortion.
–L Train
Overheard by: Jayboi
