We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as “Found Art”

Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it’s entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know – for the time being I’m just referring to it as a Duchamp “readymade.” Ew! Don’t you call me bohemian!

–19^th & 6^th

Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he’s dead now.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.

–Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA

Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff – but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.

–20^th & 5^th

Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It’s not art if you can see his penis!

–Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art

One Liners from the Legitimate Wednesday

Student, about her play: I want the audience to enter through the vagina before they sit down.

–NYU

Guy to younger girl, at intermission of Spring Awakening, right after sex scene: So you had to choose this? We couldn’t have gone to see The Little Mermaid?

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

College student: …exactly how you’d expect a college rendition of The Vagina Monologues to go.

–NYU

Black guy on cell: It doesn’t mean I’m gay because I’m going to see a play. (pause) It’s for a class… There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see a play.

–Union Square

Overheard by: erkala

20-something guy to friend: Picture it; Fishsticks: the musicical!

–63^rd St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Tartare

Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn’t.

–6 Train

Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding

B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.

–80 Pine St

Overheard by: It’s me

Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.

–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: evanescent

Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it’s like a sausage.

–NYU Classroom

Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Murphy

Wednesday One-Liners Say “Toro, Toro, Taxi!”

Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don’t want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!

–17^th & Irving

(pedestrians are crossing when they aren’t supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: momes

Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car!

–Jerry Orbach St

Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I’ma getting hit by a car, I’ma getting hit by a nice car.

–Broadway & Houston

Tourist driving car: I don’t give a fuck if you own the world! I’m running your ass over!

–Financial District

Overheard by: lex

A Feminist Critique Of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: Was she a gymnast, or a feminist?

–Café, 113^th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Anthropology professor: Everyone’s a misogynist. Women attend seminars, “seminar” comes from the word “semen,” which comes from the Latin for “a unit of knowledge.” And this, my friends, is how women get smart.

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: thats how I got into NYU

Rambling man: Nobody’s gonna be in charge anymore! (pause) Except the ladies.

–Rivington & Forsyth

Wednesday One-Liners Do It in the Road

Conductor, leaning out window to couple making out: Get a room!

–Canal St station

Overheard by: simon

Eerily calm guy: You fucked me. You fucked me in Midtown.

–48^th & 5^th

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Hot dog vendor, about girl moaning on cell: They’re having sex on the corner, people! Don’t look!

–Main St & 38^th Ave, Queens

Drunk girl to kissing friends: You know, we can, like, find a place for you to make out.

–Prince St

Sorostitute: I had sex right there.

–64^th & 5^th

Wednesday One-liners Went There

Woman: All right, but you’ve really got to stop smoking once you start showing.

–14^th & 7^th

Guy: We were going by and her mom said, “Hey Mindy! Jumprope! Want to
pee?”.

–Suffolk Street rooftop

Teen girl on cell: Things have changed. We’re not even friends anymore; she’s like this expensive tampon-wearing, stuck-up slut. So what if she can afford Tampax Pearl, I’m still better than her!

–49^th & Broadway

Bored woman on cell: Yes baby, that’s the spot, I’m coming.

–F train

Jewish JHS boy: My older brother keeps calling me a pussy and telling me I have to play sports. He’s such a douche.

–S train

Overheard by: Jennifer Smith

Teenage girl: But I think it’s always a bad sign when you see blood floating in the ocean, whether it’s actually whale menstrual fluid or not.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: djlindee

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14^th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing

Young boy to another, whispering: I’m gonna knock you off ‚and then I’m gonna steal your M&Ms.

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: amused tourist

Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I’m going to come here and steal all the stop signs.

–Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Suriya

Angry queer suit as a Honda’s car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!

–72^nd & Broadway

Overheard by: C. Gray

Thug: Look, these glasses are f’real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!

–125^th & Broadway

Hipster chick on cell: Why don’t you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?

–2^nd St, between Bowery & 2^nd Ave

Overheard by: Jake

Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it’s easier to steal things!

–11^th & University

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham

Wednesday One-Liners Follow Their Bliss

Drunk girl: I remember the bouncing, I remember the moaning, I just can’t remember the name.

–Cooper 35, Astor Place

Overheard by: dan

Gay man: I went there to get spiritual, and I came back all ‘Boys, boys, boys.’

–5^th Ave & 11^th St

Chick on cell: This is one of those moments when polyamory would really come in handy, huh?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl talking to herself: I am not a ho — I took the lie detector test, and it told you I was not a ho so stop calling me that.

–1 train

Overheard by: will

Chick: She had, like, 20 brothers and sisters because her dad was Haitian and he just kept sleeping with people…

–Subway bar, 60^th & Lex

Chick: This year I am going to try and not make out with both Samatha and her boyfriend.

–W 53^rd between 9^th and 10^th Ave

Overheard by: Still Laughing

Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category