Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!
–Montague Street, Brooklyn Heights
Archive for the ‘Apologies’ Category
…Just Like It Says on Our State Crest.
Yuppie woman, bumping into hobo: Oh, I’m sorry!
Hobo, turning around and following her: That’s okay! This is fucking New York! Don’t apologize! Bitches be knocking into everyone all the time!
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Don’t Be– I’ve Been Waiting Years to Be Mistaken for a Sir!
Chick: Excuse me, sir?
Butch female worker: Yes?
Chick: Oh…sorry.
–23rd & 6th
Your Elevator Will Be Separate, but Equal
Chick (walking in elevator and looking at others): Sorry for staring, but you all have blue eyes.
Blue-eyed woman: Yeah, we’re all related.
Chick: Really?
Blue-eyed woman: Uh, no.
Blue-eyed man: But don’t worry, we’ll be nice to you when we take over.
–Elevator, Roosevelt Hospital
And Now You Expect Me to Walk??
Girlfriend, exiting cafe: I told you you should have googled this place before we drove all the way here!
Boyfriend: I’m sorry. Let’s just go into the city! Bars are open until five there!
Girlfriend: You couldn’t entertain me in Brooklyn for half an hour. What are you going to do with me in the city until five?
Boyfriend: Walk up and down the city streets!
–Bedford Ave & 6th St
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It
Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.
–Grand Central Terminal
Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say “excuse me!”
–Macy’s, Herald Square
Overheard by: The City Planner
Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?
–1st Ave & 6th St
Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what’s great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it’s no big deal, because you’ll probably never see those people again, you know?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: BPV
Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shitter.”
–96th & Columbus Ave
The Detrimental Effects of Early Childhood Exposure to Candyland
Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She’s five.
–Line, Grace’s Market Place
Can’t Talk. Defecating.
Girl #1 in a rush, slamming door and almost hitting other girls: Oh my god, I’m so sorry!
Girl #2: It’s okay…
Girl #3, sarcastically: Oh yeah, it’s totally okay. Actually, why don’t you open the door harder next time?
–Restroom, 54th St & Ave of the Americas
Overheard by: Ilikecandy
That’s the Last Time I Buy an Invisibility Cloak at Forever 21
Man, almost bumping into hobo: Oh, excuse me.
Hobo: What!? You can see me!?
Man: Yes.
Hobo: Fuck! My invisibility wore off!
–120th & Amsterdam
Okay, Better
Little boy: I farted!
Mother: Oh, Andrew, that’s gross.
Grandma: Yes, say “excuse me” and then get out of here.
Little boy: Bombs away!
–Target, Queens
