Pi­lot: We’re on our way to New York where the weath­er is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Laud­erdale to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant an­nounc­ing board­ing call: If you have giv­en up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

–La­Guardia

Unit­ed Air­lines em­ploy­ee on PA: Okay, ladies and gen­tle­men, we’re go­ing to use the last-one-on-is-a-rot­ten-egg method of board­ing here.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Hour-and-a-Half De­layed

Pi­lot, as the seat­belt sign goes off: All rise.

–Air­tran flight from At­lanta to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Deb­bie Kate

Stew­ardess: Ex­cuse me, ladies and gen­tle­men, if I could have your at­ten­tion I would very much ap­pre­ci­ate it. My par­ents paid thou­sands of dol­lars to put me through col­lege for a the­ater arts and com­mu­ni­ca­tions de­gree, and since this is the on­ly time the air­line ever puts a mi­cro­phone in my hand, I’m sure they would re­al­ly ap­pre­ci­ate it, too.

–Unit­ed flight from La­Guardia to Chica­go

Over­heard by: Ellen

Air­line rep­re­sen­ta­tive: Pag­ing La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Pag­ing… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: De­layed

Pi­lot: Why, hel­lo, every­one! This is your cap­tain, Bud Howard, and your copi­lot, Har­vey the Rab­bit. The FCC or FCA… Some fan­cy or­ga­ni­za­tion told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-bud­get and en­ter­tain­ing movie on how to act on a Unit­ed flight. Ba­si­cal­ly, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seat­belt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jim­my-crick­et, and the soon­er you watch it the soon­er I can push this big moth­er. Last­ly, my young Je­di here says he’ll fly us so I’m go­ing to take a lit­tle nap while our copi­lot does every­thing. Re­lax. Any­one does­n’t know what I said, find the near­est south­ern­er and ask for a trans­la­tion.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: this one goes out to dan cao