Dude to pal: Hey, it’s nice out — we should go get handjobs.

–Old Town Tavern, 18th & Park

Overheard by: not a bad idea

Saleslady to another: The nicer I am to my boyfriend, the crappier he treats me. Maybe I will bake him something with a laxative in it…

–Queens Mall

Hobo orator: Forty-second Street was a nice place — full of crackheads — until Guiliani came around and cleaned it up.

–N/R/Q station, 42nd St

Dad with two kids, in sing-song voice: Stop it… Stop it… Please be good… Please be nice… Please stop biting me…

–LIRR waiting area, Penn Station

Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses… Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.

–Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport

Overheard by: Annoyed Passenger

Loud guy on cell: I did it because I’m a really nice guy. I have a great line of credit at Circuit City.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Snapdragon