Conductor: Attention! You’ve boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you’re trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!
–5 train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Silvy
Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for… Aw, hell, there ain’t no transfer here. Get in the damn train.
–E train from JFK, around 5th Ave
Overheard by: ntrprnr
Conductor: Okay everyone, we’re going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn’t the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.
–Acela, to NYC
Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time
Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.
Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl
Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!
–Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn’t open. If you don’t listen, I don’t really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain’t saying it again!
–LIRR, Jamaica station
Overheard by: commuter
Conductor: Y’all, these suckahs gon’ be on this train for hours!