Hot chick on cell: Yeah, no… Like, I’m pret­ty con­vinced that Patrick* is, like, to­tal­ly gay. Well, be­cause when we, like, dat­ed, he would al­ways want to go shop­ping and take, like, the longest time, like al­ways study­ing how tight jeans made his ass look. And, like, he told me how his best friend end­ed up be­ing, like, uber-gay, and like, he would al­ways say, like, ran­dom shit like, ‘Y’­know, like, peo­ple you don’t even, like, know could be gay.’ I’d be like, ‘O‑M-G — what?!’ And, like, the en­tire time we went out, we on­ly had sex, like, once, and that was when I, like, lost my vir­gin­i­ty… No, I did­n’t con­sid­er it the of­fi­cial, like, time I ac­tu­al­ly lost my V‑card be­cause he could­n’t even, like, get it up… No, we were not drunk! I’m not like that big of a slut… Or at least, I was­n’t then.

–Chelsea