Man on cell: It’s a swollen, pus-filled se­ba­ceous cyst…

–Nathan’s, West 32nd St

Over­heard by: SuzeV

Chick leav­ing Du­ane Reade (ex­pos­ing armpit): Air it out ba­by, air it out!

–Du­ane Reade, 14th & 1st

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Guy to friends: I’m just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broad­way

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, se­ri­ous­ly. My mom is *so* nasty when­ev­er we go out to eat some­where. I’m not kid­ding. Like, she is *nev­er* hap­py where we get seat­ed, and she’s like, “This sil­ver­ware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The light­ing is aw­ful! The tec­ton­ic plates of this lo­ca­tion are shift­ing, I de­mand a pa­tio ta­ble!” I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’ve seen wait­ing. Please don’t shave your ass­crack hair in­to my food be­cause my mom was a douchenoz­zle.

–jet blue ter­mi­nal, jfk

Over­heard by: now ques­tion­ing my piz­za in­gre­di­ents

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pret­ty much have the same body func­tions when you’re dead as when you’re alive. It’s gross, but I love it.

–Mer­cer b/w 3rd & 4th

Over­heard by: Threw up in my mouth a lit­tle bit