Se­cu­ri­ty guard to an­oth­er: I know it’s ha­bit­u­al to act re­tard­ed.

–Time Warn­er Se­cu­ri­ty Check

Over­heard by: span­dan­gle

Se­cu­ri­ty guard: The door’s that way, peo­ple. I know that when you see a door you want to go through it–it’s hu­man na­ture.

–Crown Plaza Ho­tel, Times Square

Over­heard by: GJL

Fe­male se­cu­ri­ty guard: What does my sex­u­al gen­i­talia have to do with it?

–Brook­lyn Li­brary

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, mom­my, look! They’ve got se­cu­ri­ty guards! Must be a rich peo­ple place.

–86th & Brook­lyn

Se­cu­ri­ty guard, af­ter met­al de­tec­tor beeps: Ma’am, would you please re­move your wood­en bracelet and walk back through the met­al de­tec­tor again?

–Lib­er­ty Is­land

Over­heard by: heather lin­ford

Crazy se­cu­ri­ty guard: I have so much gas. I’m go­ing to take all my gas and send it to Iraq and end the war. (gets dis­tract­ed by a girl walk­ing past with an ice cream cone) Hey, you’re stom­ach’s gonna freeze!

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Hon­est Truth