Pro­fes­sor: Why do peo­ple take drugs? Be­cause their lives suck. That’s right…all of you.

–Man­hat­tan Col­lege

Chem­istry pro­fes­sor, dis­cussing quan­tum physics: If you beat on some­thing hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, New York City

Prop­er­ty pro­fes­sor, af­ter play­ing Bar­bra Streisand’s ver­sion of “Not While I’m Around”: Now, is that the same song as Steven Sond­heim’s ver­sion in Sweeney Todd?? (dream­i­ly) Well, when Bar­bra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song?

–St. John’s Law School

Over­heard by: Cori

Pro­fes­sor: If Oba­ma wins the elec­tion, I’ll buy you all beer.

–The Coop­er Union

Pro­fes­sor: So the way Saint Au­gus­tine broke the Lord’s com­mand­ment not to steal (no­body in class is lis­ten­ing) Was all just his way of hon­or­ing the Lord’s law, by cre­at­ing his own. It’s sort of like when you have a child that’s not al­lowed to stay up past nine but he knows his par­ents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of re­bel­lion he smears his shit all over the walls.

–NYU

Pro­fes­sor: Now, for your pre­sen­ta­tions, there is a time lim­it. If you go over nine min­utes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off.

–City Col­lege of New York