Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they’re not coming! They’re too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53^rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14^th & 3^rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I’d do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn’t jerk off a couple times a day I’m pretty sure I’d be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn’t know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15^th St & 9^th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train