Con­duc­tor: Check around, make sure you have all of your be­long­ings. If you have small chil­dren, make sure you hold on­to them. (in haunt­ing tone) Would­n’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Over­heard by: Jess

Train con­duc­tor on PA: The last car is the qui­et car. No cell phones or loud con­ver­sa­tions please. If you need to have a con­ver­sa­tion, please do so silent­ly.

–Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tress, in mo­not­o­ne: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the bor­ough of Man­hat­tan.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Con­duc­tor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the lo­cal train on the oth­er plat­form: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Sta­tion

MTA con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train will be out of com­mis­sion, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Over­heard by: Kellin

Train con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, brace for im­pact. (pause) Nah…just kid­ding, I could nev­er pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we un­der­ground! Have a safe day.

–A Train