Wait­ress: Sor­ry sir, your or­der did not come out as you ex­pect­ed. The cooks don’t speak Eng­lish so they did­n’t un­der­stand what you want­ed.

–ES­PN­Zone, Times Square

Over­heard by: Rachel W

Span­ish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it was­n’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve my­self for no pierc­ing. Fuck that! Gimme a T‑bone.

–M train

A hobo walks up to the peo­ple out­side and says: Did you hear about the restau­rant on the moon? It has no at­mos­phere.

–In­do­chine, Lafayette Street

Drunk guy: So I eat the Bakla­va, then I go in­to the bath­room to take care of my busi­ness. When I come out I say, “What’s the prob­lem?”.

–47th & 9th

Over­heard by: JH

Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lob­ster? I’m on­ly in­to boys, and don’t want to eat a girl.

–Austin ale house, Kew Gar­dens

Over­heard by: tom

Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for din­ner for three. But now I don’t pay for any­one, I just have Ap­ple Jacks at home.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Ali­ta