Pi­lot: Pas­sen­gers, please move your seat in­to the least com­fort­able po­si­tion. We are now ap­proach­ing La­Guardia in­ter­galac­tic air­port. I’m your pi­lot, T.J. Maxx.

–Jet­Blue Air­plane

Pi­lot over in­ter­com: We are about to de­part, so please turn off your iPhones, Side­kicks, Black­Ber­rys, Blue­ber­rys, Pinkber­rys, Straw­ber­rys and all oth­er mo­bile de­vices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf.

–La­Guardia Flight

Flight at­ten­dant: In the mean­time we ask that pas­sen­gers please con­tin­ue to use oxy­gen at their leisure.

–JFK

Bored-look­ing flight at­ten­dant, ex­plain­ing how to board the plane in or­der: The let­ter on your board­ing pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The num­ber un­der­neath stands for the amount of mon­ey you could save by switch­ing to GE­ICO.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Fre­quent Fly­er