Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the local train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Lynne

Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

–LIRR

Overheard by: morningcommute

Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there looking at it.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you’ve been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.

–Q Train