Tick­et agent: Due to re­cent se­cu­ri­ty re­stric­tions, no one will be al­lowed on­board with any li­quages. No li­quages are al­lowed on­board the air­craft.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Liz

Pi­lot: Those of you who re­quire wheel­chair as­sis­tance, please re­main seat­ed.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: able to stand

Pi­lot: At­ten­tion, pas­sen­gers… this is your pi­lot from the flight deck. We’ve just been giv­en no­tice that we’re now num­ber two for take­off, so we should be get­ting off the ground in just a mo­ment… so if you could all do me a fa­vor and make sure that all your win­dows are rolled up, be­cause we’re about to go re­al­ly re­al­ly fast. Thanks for your pa­tience.

–JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the cap­tain will be dim­ming the cab­in light­ing for the re­main­der of the flight in or­der to en­hance the ap­pear­ance of the per­son sit­ting next to you. In­di­vid­ual lights are lo­cat­ed above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the per­son sit­ting next to you.

–Jet­Blue

Pi­lot: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I’m just go­ing to pow­er off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like con­trol-alt-delete on your com­put­er.

–La­Guardia

Flight at­ten­dant: Wow, that pi­lot re­al­ly does­n’t know how to fly!

–Board­ing Gate, Delta Ma­rine Air Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: Daniel