Air­Tran flight at­ten­dant over in­ter­com: We hope you ladies and gen­tle­men had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the win­dows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.

–La­Guardia

Air­line em­ploy­ee over loud­speak­er: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Air­line loud­speak­er, 10 min­utes lat­er: Se­ri­ous­ly, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Air­line Loud­speak­er, 10 more min­utes lat­er: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Kim

Flight at­ten­dant: The cap­tain has ad­vised us that our fly­ing time will be quick, at an al­ti­tude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK air­port

Flight at­ten­dant: We do en­counter bumps be­tween the run­way and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the cap­tain’s fault. It’s the as­phalt.

–JFK air­port

Flight At­ten­dant: Thank you for fly­ing US Air­ways, and have a hap­py… hap­py… what the hell hol­i­day is this? Colum­bus? Psssh, that ain’t no hol­i­day. Have a good week!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Amer­i­can Air­line pi­lot: Ok guys, we’re just wait­ing on some Unit­ed dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Air­port — about to take off

Over­heard by: So K

Pi­lot fly­ing in­to La­Guardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beau­ti­ful, fa­mous down­town sky­line of Man­hat­tan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sigh­ing] New Jer­sey.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: mj ki­ran