Nine-year-old girl: Trick or treat! If you don’t have any candy, you can give my mom some liquor!

–Wine shop, Chelsea

Overheard by: Catherynne Valente

Cute chick on cell: Hello, Mom. I’m just calling to tell you I got a tattoo, and I’m telling you on your voicemail so I don’t have to hear any shit from you about it. Call me after you calm down. Bye.

–Canal & Lafayette

Overheard by: Big Larry

Mom and nine-year-old daughter are walking hand-in-hand. 

Daughter, shrieking: No, Mommy, please don’t buy the razor! Anything but the razor, Mommy!

–74th & Broadway

Tween girl: My mother is probably going to shit on my head.

–Broadway & 67th

Overheard by: thaler

Hipster NYU dude: She’s not my mother anymore.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: yamutha