Pi­lot: For those of you seat­ed on the left, if you look out of your win­dow you can see the beau­ti­ful Man­hat­tan sky­line. For those seat­ed on the right… thank you for fly­ing Unit­ed.

–Flight to Newark

Over­heard by: will

Cap­tain: Good morn­ing, ladies and gen­tle­men. I’m your cap­tain, James T. Kirk, and to­day I’ll be as­sist­ed by my copi­lot, Ricky Bob­by.

–Jet­Blue flight, JFK

Over­heard by: jew­ish girl

Flight at­ten­dant: Wel­come to New York’s La­Guardia air­port, where the lo­cal time is way too ear­ly in the morn­ing!

–Red-eye flight from Ft. Laud­erdale, FL

Over­heard by: Jo­han­na Cipol­la

Fe­male flight at­ten­dant: In re­sponse to the many re­quests about what in-flight movies will be play­ing I have de­cid­ed to make a pub­lic an­nounce­ment: we are play­ing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxy­gen mask per seat, and two in the bath­room. Why there are two in the bath­room — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleas­ant flight.

–South­west flight to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant on PA: Be care­ful when open­ing the over­head bins. Items can shift dur­ing flight and fall on you, or even, God for­bid, me.

Over­heard by: Earth­born

–Amer­i­can Air­lines flight, JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Please take out the safe­ty cards in your seat’s back pock­et and pre­tend to fol­low along.

–Unit­ed flight 7418, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Na­talya Petro­v­na

Flight at­ten­dant: Thank you for lis­ten­ing to the safe­ty an­nounce­ment for this Boe­ing 777 ser­vice to At­lanta… [Pro­ceeds in low whis­per] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any bev­er­ages. Close your eyes and sleeep

–Red-eye flight, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Drewp