Archive for the ‘9 to 5-ers’ Category

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful: Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on phone: So, should I continue not being a whore or should I go get an emergency Brazilian?

–Lexington Ave & 58th

Girl to friend: No, I can’t do tomorrow afternoon. I am getting waxed for the weekend. Just in case.

–3rd Ave & 80th St

Salesgirl to customer: You so have an exfoliating face!

–Sephora, 57th & Lexington

Overheard by: Amanda

Creepy hobo on payphone: So, you’re doing your nails? Mmmmmm…

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: Thompson

Girl with pounds of makeup on: Yeah, I’m going on lunch right now. I am so exhausted, I did five makeovers today. Yeah, I am so tired…I had a butch.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Overheard by: K Melv

Thug: All I want is a mani-pedi.

–72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: wb

Yeah But She Can Only Give You an I or a Y

Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.
Headline by: azione 

Runners-Up:
· “Amputation is the New Anorexia” — Amanda
· “And they want to take away affirmative action?” — Holly G
· “But I’d Still TOTALLY Bang Her” — Jason
· “But her talent is obvious…” — fuel
· “Come on, Eileen” — Parker
· “Four legs good, two legs bad!” — Zomzom
· “From the McCartney — Mills Divorce Files” — Gimpy La Rue
· “How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation” — Sean McGurr
· “Kids will do anything to make the team” — Spin
· “Or a head.” — Jeremiah Lewis
· “Playing the amputee card” — Mandaliet
· “She’d still be a virgin now too” — Sarah
· “Title IX didn’t say they had to actually do the routines.” — CityGirl
· “Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad.” — John
· “We call her Tripod Betty” — Wendy
· “When Affirmative action goes too far” — Marv in DC

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma’am

Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States.

–Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington

Overheard by: EthanK

Urge to Talk to You Fading…Fading…

Salesgirl #1: My friend totally looks like George Costanza.
Salesgirl #2: Wow.
Salesgirl #1: Except picture him 20 years younger.
Salesgirl #2: Okay.
Salesgirl #1: Oh, and with hair.
Salesgirl #2: Uh huh.
Salesgirl #1: And his hair is blonde.
Salesgirl #2: Right…

–Rothman’s, 17th & PAS

Overheard by: shopper

Thank Goodness I Had This Envelope to Blow My Nose On!

Small Jewish woman on the phone: Hey, so sorry, I’m running late. I’m just leaving my house now. I woke up with a horrible cold…
Post office worker: Miss?
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Oh wait… It’s my turn… I’m actually in line at the post office… Oh and when I see you, absolutely no hugs, I am very contagious!

–Post Office, London Terrace

Overheard by: wish I had a bottle of purel

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?