Archive for the ‘9 to 5-ers’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Vanes­sa Hud­gens

Girl on phone: Well then, rid­dle me this, smart guy: why’d I wake up naked?

–Smith & Sack­ett, Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Swim­fan

Girl: Oh my god! I can’t wait to see them naked!

–El­e­va­tor, Times Square Arts Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Mu­se­um work­er: And then I woke up buck naked in a ho­tel, and there were pic­tures of me all over the room.

–Mu­se­um of Art and De­sign

Guy: No, I will not do it in here again. Just be­cause I’m wear­ing noth­ing un­der my jack­et, does­n’t mean I’m go­ing to flash a crowd of peo­ple in every store we en­ter. I’ve done it three times al­ready. Get your rocks off some oth­er way.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle Mall Es­ca­la­tor

Over­heard by: Mar­tin

Drunk girl at NYU protest: I don’t even know why I’m here, I just want to take off my clothes!

–NYU Kim­mel Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Lilo

Girl on train: Oh, hi! I did­n’t rec­og­nize you with your clothes on.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Don’t even wan­na know

Girl on cell: So I’m gonna be naked, but that’s okay, I’ll be wear­ing rollerblades.

–N 4th & Bed­ford Ave

“Don’t Hate Me Be­cause I’m Wednes­day One-Lin­er”

Hobo to fe­male passer­by (singing): Pret­ty woman, walk­ing down the street/Pretty woman, eat­ing a ham­burg­er…

–Wendy’s, Union Square

Over­heard by: Hun­gry By­stander

Sales­girl to an­oth­er: You look pret­ty today…for a lit­tle Fil­ipino girl.

–Amer­i­can Ea­gle, So­Ho

Over­heard by: Hol­ly

Loud hobo walk­ing through crowd­ed train: Lots of beau­ti­ful ladies on this train. Beau­ti­ful white ladies. Beau­ti­ful black ladies. I like her hat. (turns to one shy-look­ing girl) Do you wear make­up? You should­n’t. You don’t need it, you are so beau­ti­ful. If you have any make­up, just throw it away. Or send it to my girl, cuz she is ug­ly.

–Down­town 4 Train

50-some­thing woman to pret­ty 20-some­thing girl: I just want­ed you to know that our hus­bands over there think you are one of the most beau­ti­ful girls they have ever seen. So now our hus­bands are go­ing to have sex with my friend and I tonight. They may be think­ing of you dur­ing, but thanks to you I am go­ing to have an or­gasm tonight, so thank you for be­ing so gor­geous.

–Boat Basin Cafe

Over­heard by: Megan W.

Guy on iPhone: You think be­cause you’re pret­ty you can get away with that shit. Well, you’re wrong! You can get away with that shit be­cause you’re rich!

–Du­ane Reade, Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: Veron­i­ca at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Rail­road­ed

Con­duc­tor: Check around, make sure you have all of your be­long­ings. If you have small chil­dren, make sure you hold on­to them. (in haunt­ing tone) Would­n’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Over­heard by: Jess

Train con­duc­tor on PA: The last car is the qui­et car. No cell phones or loud con­ver­sa­tions please. If you need to have a con­ver­sa­tion, please do so silent­ly.

–Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tress, in mo­not­o­ne: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the bor­ough of Man­hat­tan.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Con­duc­tor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the lo­cal train on the oth­er plat­form: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Sta­tion

MTA con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train will be out of com­mis­sion, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Over­heard by: Kellin

Train con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, brace for im­pact. (pause) Nah…just kid­ding, I could nev­er pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we un­der­ground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

Fresh­ly-Mint­ed Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

An­noy­ing Jer­sey girl on cell: I’m not fru­gal. I’m, like, not fru­gal with a vengeance. I, like, refuse to con­sid­er mon­ey.

–19th & 8th

Over­heard by: Hobo

Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty ad­min­is­tra­tor: It gets dif­fi­cult to man­age fi­nances as your en­dow­ment reach­es the size of the GDP of a small coun­try.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Sen­a­tore

Bike mes­sen­ger (yelling): Could any­body spare $50,000?

–6th Ave & 20th St

Over­heard by: thiess

Man: I mean, what does does she *re­al­ly* get out of rid­ing a five thou­sand dol­lar scoot­er?

–Out­side Think Cof­fee

Over­heard by: ne­mi­ly

Suit on cell: You see, the thing with mon­ey coun­ters is they jam…and when you are in a room­ful of il­lit­er­ate afghans, there’s 8 mil­lion on the ta­ble and they mis­trust you.

–Mer­cer & Grand

Pro­fes­sor: I bet none of you wrote that in your ad­mis­sions es­say. “I want mon­ey.” Ac­tu­al­ly, that might be suc­cess­ful. They might think, “hey, that’s pret­ty cool, they’re telling the truth.”

–NYU Law

First-Come, First-Served Is a Pre­text for Dis­crim­i­na­tion!

[A woman cre­ates her own line and walks up to the counter.]Postal em­ploy­ee: Ma’am, you have to wait in line.
Lati­no woman: I was in the es­s­press line.
Postal em­ploy­ee: We don’t serve espres­so here ma’am, this is the post of­fice.
Lati­no woman: What? You think I’m stoopid? I have less than ten items.
Postal em­ploy­ee: There is no ex­press line at the post of­fice, please wait in line like the oth­er peo­ple.
Lati­no woman: Oh… I see how it is.
Postal em­ploy­ee: Hap­py hol­i­days, ma’am.
Lati­no woman: Fuck you too.

–Post Of­fice, 14th Street & Av­enue A

Over­heard by: tex­mor­gan