Archive for the ‘9 to 5-ers’ Category

Sure, Lisa, Some Mag­i­cal Wednes­day One-Lin­er.…

Dude with chick to group of smok­ers out­side bar: We are go­ing to eat pork chops and fuck.

–Bleeck­er and Cros­by

Gay male on cell: …Do you re­al­ly think I would try his sausage balls?

–53rd St & 8th Ave

Bud­get Vin Diesel: I love ba­con. If I could, I would put ba­con in my ce­re­al.

–Sun­burnt Cow, Av­enue C

Over­heard by: LeahPia77

His­pan­ic deli work­er: Es muy bara­to, co­mo la carne de gato.

–10th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: An­na Pi­lar

Black man, to Jew­ish friend: You’re not Jew­ish. You had ba­con at your baby’s nam­ing cer­e­mo­ny. Thick­est, juici­est most de­li­cious ba­con I ever ate in my life. You named your kid Samuel and you had ba­con. De­li­cious, de­li­cious ba­con.

–A Train

Man on cell phone: The sausages! I mean, I don’t feel bad for the hot dogs. But, the sausages?!

–41st and 7th

Over­heard by: Justin

Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Lar­ry

TV: ‘It’s of­fi­cial — Hillary Clin­ton is run­ning for the pres­i­den­cy…‘
Sec­re­tary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Sec­re­tary #2: I don’t know… I have to see who else is run­ning.
Ser­vice as­so­ciate: You think a woman can han­dle these 52 states? This is a big con­ti­nent — you think a woman can han­dle that?

–Mon­te­fiore Med­ical Cen­ter

Head­line by: Ja­son

Run­ners-Up:

· “At least we knew Mon­i­ca could han­dle a big load” — Roxi

· “I mean, re­al­ly, Deb­bie could on­ly han­dle Dal­las.” — Mikie

· “If she can’t han­dle the small “jobs” at home…” — Ken­neth

· “Men ly­ing about size? Yeah, a woman can han­dle that.” — bel­la


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

She Bought You That Vagi­nal Oint­ment You’ve Been Need­ing!

La­dy over loud­speak­er: Would a cus­tomer named *Aman­da please re­port to check­out ten. *Aman­da, please re­port to check­out ten.
[Pause of about 45 seconds.]Lady over loud­speak­er: *Aman­da, please re­port to check­out ten. You mom is here and her back hurts.

–Path­mark-At­lantic Cen­ter Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Bart Pro­cac­ci

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School