Archive for the ‘Abortion’ Category

Roe vs. Wednesday One-Liners

Guy, selling comedy tickets: Come on, guys, see the show! It’s cheaper than a Chinese abortion.

–Times Square

Kid: You may think of abortion like, "Oh, it’s gone!"

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Emilia

Girl: Now I understand why people steal babies! It totally makes sense! We should legalize abortion.

–68th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Manic Mouse

Queer on phone: No, I’ve told you. I’m atheist, I don’t want to go to church with you. Well, I dunno what to tell you, mother, it’s too late for an abortion now. Maybe you should have used a condom.

–CVS , Cedarhurst, Long Island

Overheard by: Queer CVS clerk

Guy: So, she starts talking about abortion while I got a fuckin’ boner and I’m like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

–W 42nd St & 8th Ave

Wednesday RU-486-Liners

Guy on cell: That's the good thing about abortions–you can have like three a day.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Ghetto dude: I told her, I was like "if you get pregnant you best get an abortion, cause I ain't helping you with that shit." I mean, I would help her, but I gotta get that shit in her head.

–N Train

Overheard by: Jill

30-something woman to boyfriend: There be some muthafuckas up in here who think this shit some form of birth control. I'm woman enough; I gave birth to six kids. I ain't doin' it again.

–Abortion Clinic, Queens

Crazy guy on subway, preaching: You know why there's 100 million Mexicans in America? Abortion!

–W Train

I Never Told You About the Jar on My Desk?

Suit #1: Good thing my girlfriend had an abortion, or I’d have a 16-year-old kid right now.
Suit #2: Yeah? I never heard this story.

–F Train

Overheard by: wb

Headline by: kasey

Runners-Up:
· “Haven’t You Ever Asked About My Framed Coathanger?” – Ian
· “Jesus; Always the Son, Never the Father” – benny blanco
· “Lifetime Wasn’t Interested” – Emily Leonard
· “Neither Did My Wife…” – phox
· “Once Upon a Vacuum…” – blistexaddict
· “Well Jimmy, When a Man and Woman Like Sex Without Commitments….” – mkp-hearts-nyc
· “Your Wife Was Pretty Insistent I Never Tell You” – Greg Costello

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One

Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brooklyn Music School

Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mickey

Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!

–Times Square

Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Wednesday’s Gonna Have a Little One-Liner

Angry frat boy: Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? Let’s talk about you and your irrational pregnancy!

–Grand Central

Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abortion? I mean, I’m not even pregnant!

–TGI Fridays

Overheard by: Sara

Giggling chick: When you get pregnant, the only things that swell are your breasts!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hannah

Female security guard to friend: I don’t think I’m pregnant. There’s no way I can be pregnant, because I was only having light sex.

–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th

Overheard by: jmike

Happy lady on cell: Guess what?! I’m pregnant! Yes, with a baby this time!

–96th St station

Overheard by: Kind of Confused

20-something chick: If I get pregnant, I am so suing Fresh Direct.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Son Of a Wednesday One-Liner Man

Evangelist outside gym: You want to be a macho man? Look at Jesus!

–Broadway & Prince

Street evangelist on microphone: Y'all ever see two female pigeons in bed together?

–Fordham Plaza

Very agitated priest: Jesus was a zygote once–what if Mary aborted him?

–St. Luke's Church, Whitestone

Crazy subway evangelist: If god could make me a good crackhead, you best believe he could make me a good preacher.

–E Train

Overheard by: Giggling at crack

Preacher: And that's why your religion is null and void.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Alfie

Not as Much as All Those Abortions

Old lady #1: Your grandson has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old lady #2: Hey, he’s not gay, don’t be crazy. Your grandson needs to stop sleeping with every girl; he might get them pregnant.
Old lady #1: Hey, how much is this kielbasa?

Translated from the Russian.

–Grocery store, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Steve