Archive for the ‘Actors’ Category

Reg­u­lar Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman: …Then they gave him en­e­mas un­til it ran clear. Now he has­n’t had a move­ment in three days. Should I be wor­ried?

–Sub­way

Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the up­stairs bath­room.

–44th & 3rd

Am­bigu­ous­ly gay ac­tor: Flow­ers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Over­heard by: a girl who poops

Fresh­man chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.

–Re­stroom, Hunter Col­lege

Cheru­bic blonde chick to an­oth­er: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Suit-in-train­ing: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I for­got.

–NYU Stern Build­ing

Guy wait­ing for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We got­ta go out here!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: KeeZ

Har­lot, 1995–2000: I Was a Team Play­er Skilled in Oral Com­mu­ni­ca­tion with Cus­tomers

Act­ing stu­dent, per­form­ing a scene: You cheat­ed on me! You har­lot!
Act­ing pro­fes­sor: No, no! Now would you say ‘har­lot?’ If some­one called me a har­lot I’d say ‘Oh thank you so much!’ You’d say you moth­er-fuck­ing bitch, you whore, you slut! ‘Har­lot’ sounds beau­ti­ful, I’d put it on my re­sume!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: team jef­frey

Birth­day One-Lin­ers

20-some­thing guy on cell: My girl­friend’s birth­day is to­mor­row. (pause) I don’t know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just want­ed to hook up with him be­cause we had the same birth­day.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast mem­ber (shout­ing over shoul­der): I turn 34 on Fri­day, I’m old but at least I made it past Je­sus.

–Ned­er­lan­der The­atre

Woman ar­gu­ing loud­ly with her moth­er in the laun­dro­mat: My 30th birth­day is gonna be ru­ined if we don’t go to the wax mu­se­um!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brook­lyn

Guy hand­ing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it’s free, it’s free! Oh, and hap­py birth­day to me to­day, thank you very much for re­mem­ber­ing it! Oh, what a love­ly day…

–42nd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Eve

Was­n’t This an In Liv­ing Col­or Skit?

Black San­ta takes off his beard, puts a cig­a­rette in his mouth and starts to ad­just his crotch.

Lit­tle girl in stroller: Dad­dy, why is San­ta smok­ing?
Dad­dy: Well, ob­vi­ous­ly it’s a fake San­ta…
Oth­er passers­by, scold­ing: San­ta!
Black San­ta: What? San­ta’s got­ta frig­gin’ fix him­self some­times, don’t he?

–Rock­e­feller Christ­mas tree

Over­heard by: Megan Cowles

All the World’s a Wednes­day and the Peo­ple Mere­ly One-Lin­ers

Loud angsty teen boy: My life is a tragedy and I’m on­ly in act two!

–La­Guardia High School

Over­heard by: He’s no Shake­speare…

Ac­tor: I al­most woke up dead this morn­ing. But I don’t have an un­der­study.

–Gallery Play­ers, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Guy: …and gri­mace could play Mary Mag­da­lene.

–Lin­coln Cen­ter

Shake Shack pa­tron: It was like Menopause: The mu­si­cal.

–Madi­son Square Park

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

Queer on cell: Hon­ey, if you thought Menopause was fun­ny, you are gonna piss yo pants at The Vagi­na Mono­logues!

–Wal­greens, Union Square

Fly­er guy to girl with Rent shirt: Why you gonna go see Rent? Have you seen it yet? The gay guy dies. Woo!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Min­er­va

Stage­hand: Jul­liard is a school. It’s not like Spa­malot.

–Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Must Be from Queens

Woman, tex­ting: How do you plu­ral­ize “uterus”?

–TK­TS Booth

Over­heard by: DramaPi­rate

Kids en­ter­tain­er, singing: Do you know what a co-cre­ator is? To cre­ate is to make some­thing, and when you co-cre­ate, you do it to­geth­er…

–Kinder­garten par­ty, Williams­burg

Cashier with cook­book: It’s got a ta­ble of con­ti­nents so you can see what’s in it!

–De­part­ment Store, 225th St

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Stu­dent: I just love adding “iz­zle” to the end of words.

–Metro-North

Cowork­er: UPS did­n’t have the track­ing in­for­ma­tion at first, but then they found it… Good thing, be­cause I was about to blow a cas­ket.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty