Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Hitler Did Kinda Focus on That One Star, Though…

College kid #1: …and the astrologers are having to completely change their predictions because Pluto’s not a planet anymore.
College kid #2: That’s crazy.
Random guy: Don’t make fun of astrology. Hitler took astrology seriously. So did Ronald Reagan. And kings and queens.

–1 train, 116th St

Overheard by: bluekale
Headline by: wiggity 

Runners-Up:
· “Actually, The Queens Only Follow the Movements of Uranus” — Johnny B
· “Astrologists Predict Random Man Wearing Jack Boots Will Disembowel 2 College Kids” — dante mcnasty
· “I Thought Ronald Reagan Got Rid of All the Queens” — C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stupidity Was in Retrograde…” — tm78
· “Nostradumbass Lives On” — kathy
· “Pluto Is Just a Mickey Mouse Planet” — Elliott Sperber
· “Taurus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Corner. Also, You Will Invade Poland.” — Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Program Was About?” — Tom Dorey

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jason K 

Old bag lady: I’m looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner.

–Lafayette & Great Jones

Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight!

–W. 4th & University

Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman 

Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!

–Staten Island ferry

Overheard by: Joel Guilbert 

Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat? 

–45th & 9th

Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg 

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some respect! 

–Union Square

Overheard by: Evan

Hobo: It’s 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That’s mental illness.

–Rockefeller Center station

You Can’t Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I’ve ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re calling him L‑train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m reading. It’s off the hook! They’re sending in this undercover agent, and I think it’s his sister, but he’s all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, “Don’t take her to McDonald’s!”

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl’s shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

If My Heart Made Blood I Wouldn’t Need to Buy Puppies

Store guy: You know, I used to smoke 2–3 packs a day. It’s really not good for you.
Dude: Are you gonna give me a discount on Nicorette, then?
Store guy: We don’t have it…but you don’t need that stuff anyway. It doesn’t work. All you really need is your–

He taps his hand on his chest.

Dude: If my heart made nicotine I wouldn’t need to buy cigarettes. 

–Duane Reade, 49th & 9th

Overheard by: Katie

It’s Very Cute

Hipster girl: I haven’t seen any of your Facebook pictures, and I’ve been your friend for like a year!
Hipster boy: Really? You should.
Hipster girl: I’m checking them right now.
Hipster boy: Let me warn you, though — there are a lot of pictures of my penis on there.
Hipster girl: Oh, I’m used to that.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave