Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

It’s Very Cute

Hip­ster girl: I haven’t seen any of your Face­book pic­tures, and I’ve been your friend for like a year!
Hip­ster boy: Re­al­ly? You should.
Hip­ster girl: I’m check­ing them right now.
Hip­ster boy: Let me warn you, though — there are a lot of pic­tures of my pe­nis on there.
Hip­ster girl: Oh, I’m used to that.

–Ap­ple Store, 5th Ave

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Sales­woman to cus­tomer on busy day: Some days you re­al­ly should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Loud black la­dy on cell: Moth­a­fuck­ah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some oth­er… [whis­pers] bitch.

–Mail room, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on any­one else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Eye­teeth

Con­duc­tor: Jes­si­ca! Jes­si­ca! Girl, you on this train. Jes­si­ca Eliz­a­beth! I’m tak­ing you home, girl.

–6 train

Over­heard by: frida­holic

At Least Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Pret­ty

Girl to friend: I won­der what’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Over­heard by: NTA

Guy talk­ing to his friend: I don’t be­lieve there is a first time for every­thing, but I do think there is a first time for any­thing.

–2nd St & Ave B

Over­heard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hall­way: She told me to get bac­te­r­i­al soap.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Rose Hill

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na ‚who us­es an­ti-bac­te­r­i­al

Sub­way co­me­di­an: My wife is so stu­pid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awk­ward si­lence fol­lows. Co­me­di­an pro­ceeds to dance around a sub­way pole pre­tend­ing to be a strip­per.]

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Sub­way rid­er

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop do­ing this “liv­ing pay­check to pay­check” thing be­cause every time you get a check it’s like an emo­tion­al high­way.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ali­na

Col­lege girl, af­ter clos­ing a Nutel­la jar: I solved it! I solved the puz­zle!

–Broome St

Over­heard by: YJL

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, the Shep­herds of New York

Con­duc­tor: This is the last stop — Brook­lyn Bridge, City Hall. Y’all have a nice day and be good, now… But if you can’t be good, be baaad.

–6 train

Over­heard by: Paul Schroed­er

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing, every­body. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, ex­press to Green­wich. To in­fin­i­ty, and be­yond!

–Con­necti­cut-bound Metro-North train

MTA work­er: This sta­tion is now closed. No train is com­ing here. You all have to get out of here!

–8th St N/Q/R/W sta­tion

Over­heard by: bKSquared+AV

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, please re­mem­ber that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 peo­ple in front of one door — well, it is not schol­ar­ship ma­te­r­i­al. Let’s use our brains, peo­ple. Then you won’t have to bump your guns and com­plain that the A is nev­er on time.

–A train, 96th St

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers, the last two cars will not plat­form at Bellerose, ei­ther. That means if the doors did­n’t open for you at the last sta­tion, they won’t open at Bellerose, ei­ther, so stop stand­ing look­ing con­fused, and walk for­ward!

–Hemp­stead-bound LIRR

Over­heard by: Nathalie

Con­duc­tor: For those of you stand­ing in the first five cars, the back three cars are al­most emp­ty. Come sit down! I’m lone­ly back here.

–Metro-North

Con­duc­tor: And now… the mass ex­o­dus!

–F train

Over­heard by: da sarkastik nin­ja.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hip­ster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some ad­vice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a ba­nana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bed­ford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: Aus­ton McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shov­ing any­thing in your hole!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: mish

Mid­dle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Over­heard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he bet­ter pay for it. I bet­ter get his mon­ey. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fuck­ing dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he bet­ter fuck­ing pay for it.

–Re­stroom, JFK

Over­heard by: co­lette

An­gry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t un­der­stand re­li­gion!

–Em­pire State Build­ing, 34th & 5th

Over­heard by: Wendy Booz

With This Ring, I Thee Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Woman on phone: The point is, I asked you to mar­ry me and you hes­i­tat­ed. You hes­i­tat­ed!

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Act­ing pro­fes­sor: Act as if you’re fas­ci­nat­ed by what they’re say­ing, while think­ing about some­thing else. That’s what boys learn to do when they get mar­ried.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Lisa

Man, ad­vis­ing an­oth­er flirt­ing with hot woman: You got­ta go for it–unless she’s mar­ried!

–2 Train

Five-year-old boy to an­oth­er: Yeah, well… I’ll let you mar­ry my daugh­ter!

–10th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Ricky

Man to male friend: So ba­si­cal­ly, I took her to a gay bar on our wed­ding night.

–Cen­tral Park

Chick to guy: Are we *se­ri­ous­ly* ar­gu­ing about whether or not aunt Jemi­ma would sup­port gay mar­riage?

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: La­dle