Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You're welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don't give him your number. He's got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn't have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I'm sorry, I've just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt

Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now

Girl: So I’m finally going to tell that guy that I like him.
Father: What guy?
Girl: That really hot dude that took me to the prom.
Father: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it’s going to be really weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Father: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don’t let him leave.

–A train

Overheard by: cave man style

Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’

Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.

–Columbia

20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.

–Columbia

Overheard by: martina m.

Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.

–Columbia

Overheard by: Ladle

Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.

–1 train

Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’

–1 train

Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.

–Columbia

Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.

–116th St

Overheard by: Sam

And Friday’s His Scrabble Night… No, I’ve Never Gone With Him to Scrabble Night, Why?

Hipster Girl #1: So you guys should come. Oh! You should bring your boyfriend, I haven’t met him yet.
Hipster Girl #2: I wish I could but it’s on Wednesday night, right? He’s really into fashion, that’s when he watches Project Runway.
[Hipster Girl #1 stares blankly at Hipster Girl #2 for a few moments.]Hipster Girl #1: Oh.

–Central Park

Overheard by: hobojane

Wednesday One-Liners Are One of the Properties of a Metal

Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.

–Long Beach-bound LIRR

Overheard by: Matt P.

Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard… And you don’t want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place…

–Metro-North

Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you’re having a bad day, don’t try to have a good one. That’s just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.

–6 train

Overheard by: freckles

Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?

Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.

–A train

Overheard by: McF.

Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.

–7 train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!

–Q train

Overheard by: Zvi

Speaking of Which: Drinking out of Toilets? Fabulous.

Chick #1: … I don’t know…
Chick #2: Trust me — he wants it, but he’ll never ask. You do it by surprise, and he’ll, like, cum all over you.
Chick #1: It just seems nasty.
Chick #2: Yeah, it’s nasty — that’s why guys like it! And I guess it feels good. I mean, boy dogs lick their own, right?

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Manhattman