Archive for the ‘Age/Aging’ Category

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

The Pit­ter-Pat­ter of Tiny Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just go­ing to stay home and make ba­bies.

–1 Train

Col­lege pro­fes­sor: Every­thing that is wrong in this world can be traced back to ba­bies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Just Try­ing to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m go­ing to have to can­cel for a few dif­fer­ent rea­sons. First, the ba­by has­n’t got­ten all her shots. And more im­por­tant­ly, there’s some­thing peck­ing through my wall! I’m re­al­ly freaked out!

–Bleeck­er and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, af­ter watch­ing the el­dest push the mid­dle to the ground: What are you push­ing him down for? Are you try­ing to up­set my stom­ach so I lose this ba­by in­side me?

–St Marks Place, Stat­en Is­land

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have ba­bies so much, why don’t she just be a … doc­tor!

–52nd & 7th

Pro­fes­sor: 42-year-old ba­bies don’t have bones.

–Sch­enec­tady Coun­ty Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege

We Can Spot Fake Wednes­day One-Lin­ers a Mile Away

Ex­as­per­at­ed woman on phone: It’s a phone in­ter­view! What does it mat­ter what type of boobs I have?

–Of­fice Build­ing, 32nd & 7th

Over­heard by: erkala

Girl, af­ter guy ac­ci­den­tal­ly hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeez­ing them, not hit­ting them!

–Toys R’ Us, Times Square

Over­heard by: Lotte

Up­per West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It com­plete­ly ru­ins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don’t want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you’re com­ing to New York? That’s good. I called your moth­er, she said you’re stay­ing with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to an­oth­er, while at lunch: I don’t care if you think I live too fast and I’ll be dead at 45. At least I’ll die with a tit­tie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: sal b

A Few Sucky Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Brunette woman yelling on cell: Look, I’m 24 fuck­ing years old. If I want to suck dick all day, that’s my busi­ness!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Blank Slater

Girl on cell: First you go, “ac­c­ck­kk… ac­c­ck­kkk” (makes chok­ing sounds) Then you have a mouth ful­la cum!

–Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: I.R.

50-some­thing woman, scream­ing in­to cell: Lis­ten, ass­hole, I’m not some cheap slut you can call when­ev­er you need some­one to suck you off, I have a job!

–Penn Sta­tion Taxi Line

Black man in phone booth: You bet­ter suck that juicy white cock, and get me that per­fume, bitch!

–7th Ave & 35th St