Archive for the ‘Airports’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

Which Is My De­fault An­swer for All Is­sues In­volv­ing Men

50-some­thing woman to cowork­er at Burg­er King: And he said, “Why you al­ways com­ing in here, dressed up like you’re at the beach? What is that?” And I was like, “Yeah, please, put me on a re­al beach, in like Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic or some­thing.“
Cowork­er: He prob­a­bly just want­ed to see you in your biki­ni.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: … But I know I would­n’t

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Di­ane Keaton

Straight guy in hot pink un­der­wear: Yeah, I’ve fall­en asleep in deer stands, and all kinds of weird places.

–Gold’s Gym, 54th St

Over­heard by: John­ny V

Girl on cell: His hair is wiry and weird. He had a par­ty and sold raf­fle tick­ets, the win­ner got to restyle his hair. He’s weird.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: whirlygirlie518

White teen girl to friends: No, no, no! I told you guys, if I mar­ry a Japan­ese, then there’s all that weird sex stuff. I’m mar­ry­ing Ko­re­an. They’re adorable, and don’t have that weird com­mu­nism thing the Chi­nese do.

–Chi­na­town

Girl from Nashville on cell: They serve like weird pas­ta here with weird veg­eta­bles and weird meat. My fa­vorite meal here is break­fast. I am so ready to go home!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: D‑Law

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to an­oth­er: But do you know how big a horse dick is?

–5th Ave & Car­roll, Park Slope

Girl: I’m re­al­ly tired. I’m, like, an an­i­mal ac­tivist right now.

–Park­ing Lot, Broad­way Mall

Over­heard by: Lysa

Stu­dent: I’m not that sen­si­tive. I can watch those videos where they like, tor­ture the an­i­mal or what­ev­er, and then I’ll go eat it.

–Car­do­zo Law School

Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Pan­da?

–NYU Din­ing Hall

Co­lum­bia girl: I’d nev­er have asked if I knew he was the one who’d killed it. But I did­n’t sus­pect him. Who’d spend their time stran­gling a ger­bil?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Who’d have thought?

Gui­do to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.

–Penn Sta­tion

La­dy on speak­er: If you have an an­i­mal, please do not put it through the X‑ray.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Jet-Pro­pelled Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Pi­lot: We’re on our way to New York where the weath­er is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Laud­erdale to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant an­nounc­ing board­ing call: If you have giv­en up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

–La­Guardia

Unit­ed Air­lines em­ploy­ee on PA: Okay, ladies and gen­tle­men, we’re go­ing to use the last-one-on-is-a-rot­ten-egg method of board­ing here.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Hour-and-a-Half De­layed

Pi­lot, as the seat­belt sign goes off: All rise.

–Air­tran flight from At­lanta to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Deb­bie Kate

Stew­ardess: Ex­cuse me, ladies and gen­tle­men, if I could have your at­ten­tion I would very much ap­pre­ci­ate it. My par­ents paid thou­sands of dol­lars to put me through col­lege for a the­ater arts and com­mu­ni­ca­tions de­gree, and since this is the on­ly time the air­line ever puts a mi­cro­phone in my hand, I’m sure they would re­al­ly ap­pre­ci­ate it, too.

–Unit­ed flight from La­Guardia to Chica­go

Over­heard by: Ellen

Air­line rep­re­sen­ta­tive: Pag­ing La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Pag­ing… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: De­layed

Pi­lot: Why, hel­lo, every­one! This is your cap­tain, Bud Howard, and your copi­lot, Har­vey the Rab­bit. The FCC or FCA… Some fan­cy or­ga­ni­za­tion told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-bud­get and en­ter­tain­ing movie on how to act on a Unit­ed flight. Ba­si­cal­ly, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seat­belt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jim­my-crick­et, and the soon­er you watch it the soon­er I can push this big moth­er. Last­ly, my young Je­di here says he’ll fly us so I’m go­ing to take a lit­tle nap while our copi­lot does every­thing. Re­lax. Any­one does­n’t know what I said, find the near­est south­ern­er and ask for a trans­la­tion.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: this one goes out to dan cao