Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Kings Coun­ty

Schol­ar: Brook­lyn is the Paris of New York.

–Grand Army Plaza Sta­tion, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: iv­el

Crazy: Fuck Brook­lyn! I can pay for Brook­lyn on any oth­er day. Yes, that’s right — I’m a black man, and I am not go­ing to Brook­lyn. What do you know about that! And you, you’re a Jew. I’ll still pray for you. Wher­ev­er we end up, I’ll still pray for you. Fuck all you peo­ple. Ex­cept you, Jew. I love you.

–L train from 6th Ave to 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Nash As­tor

Girl: I just don’t like liv­ing in Brook­lyn. My place is, like, four whole blocks away from Dunkin’ Donuts.

–Tena­cious D al­bum sign­ing, Vir­gin Mega­s­tore

Guy: So­bri­ety is my back, I am the camel, and Brook­lyn is the straw.

–A/C/E sub­way plat­form, Low­er West Side

Over­heard by: Ma­g­a­ret

La­dy: I like the brown eggs more than the white. Well, I have 12 at home in my fridge — it’s like Brook­lyn in there.

–15th St & Union Square West

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are a Re­al Page-Turn­er

Woman: He read a book on fist­ing, and now he wants to share it with his class.

–L train

Dude: They should have made Be­owulf in­to a book — they would have made a lot more mon­ey.

–34th & 8th

Over­heard by: Lethe­aBu

Girl: It used to be the on­ly rea­son I liked An­na Quindlen was ’cause she was blind. Now it’s like, ‘Dude, she can read?!’

–Barnard Col­lege

NYU bim­bette to stu­dious friend: Your prob­lem is that you read for all your class­es. So­bri­ety and schol­ar­ly. Those are your prob­lems.

–Star­bucks, W 4th St

Over­heard by: wine girl

Nine-year-old girl: I for­got my book, and I was sup­posed to do a re­port on it! Now what am I go­ing to do?! I’m so se­nile.

–JFK

Over­heard by: mr itchie

Book-hawk­ing hobo: … And this is my new book, ‘If You Don’t Beat Your Chil­dren, They’ll End Up Like Me’!

–6 train

Over­heard by: Zarek

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Sales­woman to cus­tomer on busy day: Some days you re­al­ly should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Loud black la­dy on cell: Moth­a­fuck­ah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some oth­er… [whis­pers] bitch.

–Mail room, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on any­one else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Eye­teeth

Con­duc­tor: Jes­si­ca! Jes­si­ca! Girl, you on this train. Jes­si­ca Eliz­a­beth! I’m tak­ing you home, girl.

–6 train

Over­heard by: frida­holic

There’s No Cry­ing in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Con­duc­tor: This is Wil­lets Point/Shea Sta­di­um. You know, home of the oth­er team. (pas­sen­gers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one re­al­ly likes the Mets. Any­hoo, have a nice day, every­one. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors.

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Kris­ten

20-some­thing guy wear­ing Red Sox hat to girl­friend: There’s no way we can have kids in New York. They’d be go­ing to school with a bunch of brain­washed Yan­kee fan off­spring, and every night we’d have to be telling them bed­time sto­ries that end with “and they all lived hap­pi­ly every af­ter, ex­cept for Derek Jeter, be­cause he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole.”

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I’m from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It’s hard be­ing a Yan­kees fan sur­round­ed by fuck­ing Red Sox fans. I can’t do it any­more.

–L Train

Over­heard by: I agree…

Sub­way con­duc­tor: Yan­kees fans. This is a Bronx-bound ex­press D. This will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. Trans­fer at the next sta­tion to the B. (20 min­utes lat­er) Yan­kees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. You can trans­fer to the B at the next sta­tion. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-some­thing moth­er to an­oth­er, try­ing hard to look knowl­edge­able: The Yan­kees and Mets are play­ing two games to­day, the first at Yan­kee sta­di­um and the sec­ond at Fen­way, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & No­ble Cafe

Woman in Je­sus t‑shirt: Je­sus hates the Yan­kees.

–Up­town C Train

Over­heard by: Pen­ny

Con­duc­tor to packed train: At­ten­tion, at­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. To all Yan­kee fans on this train, please have a safe day to­day, and en­joy the game. Per­son­al­ly, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Up­town 4 Train

At Least Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Pret­ty

Girl to friend: I won­der what’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Over­heard by: NTA

Guy talk­ing to his friend: I don’t be­lieve there is a first time for every­thing, but I do think there is a first time for any­thing.

–2nd St & Ave B

Over­heard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hall­way: She told me to get bac­te­r­i­al soap.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Rose Hill

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na ‚who us­es an­ti-bac­te­r­i­al

Sub­way co­me­di­an: My wife is so stu­pid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awk­ward si­lence fol­lows. Co­me­di­an pro­ceeds to dance around a sub­way pole pre­tend­ing to be a strip­per.]

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Sub­way rid­er

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop do­ing this “liv­ing pay­check to pay­check” thing be­cause every time you get a check it’s like an emo­tion­al high­way.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ali­na

Col­lege girl, af­ter clos­ing a Nutel­la jar: I solved it! I solved the puz­zle!

–Broome St

Over­heard by: YJL

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Wednes­days Are Pro­found­ly One-Linered

Yan­kees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yan­kees sta­di­um I’ll be like a re­tard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Da­nial

Po­lice of­fi­cer in van, on loud­speak­er: Move to the right! (peo­ple in cars ig­nore the or­der) Re­tards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, rant­i­ng: You can’t have sex with peo­ple who aren’t re­tard­ed be­cause they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Over­heard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I nev­er said that I was­n’t re­tard­ed. Tech­ni­cal­ly, I’m not a hyp­ocrite.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Heav­i­ly made-up girl: Do you think re­tard­ed peo­ple are, like, con­cep­tu­al­ly aware that they’re re­tard­ed?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a re­tard­ed Jack Rus­sell Ter­ri­er is com­plete­ly for­eign to me, be­cause as I re­call, Wish­bone was ex­cep­tion­al­ly well-read.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

A Tree Grows in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fa­ther to daugh­ter: Girl, whatchu do­ing? You try­in’a go to cross the bridge? You try­in’a go to Brook­lyn? You want some cheese­cake? Some crack?

–Cen­tre St & Park Row

Over­heard by: Bar­ry P.

NYU so­cial plan­ner: I want­ed to get all the fresh­men out of the city for a lit­tle so I took them to Brook­lyn.

–Main Build­ing, NYU

Girl on cell: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn sober!

–12th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So are you in town this week­end or in Brook­lyn?

–39th & 8th

Over­heard by: The Love­ly Miss Katie

Chick: Do you know the rules for be­ing in Brook­lyn?

–Law of­fice, 54th & 5th

Over­heard by: The le­gal in­tern

Bill Bat­son: It’s like the Na­tive Amer­i­cans all over again. Brook­lynites, we’re in­dige­nous. And now Man­hat­tan wants Man­i­fest Des­tiny.

–Van­der­bilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Laris­sa Kyz­er

Lit­tle boy: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn! It’s stu­pid!

–110th & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pre­fer Om­a­ha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have bench­es so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices dig­ging in­to your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Up­per Wet Side.

–Palace The­atre, Broad­way

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Cen­tral Park

Dude with huge back­pack, clutch­ing a map: Some­times you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’­know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vig­or­ous­ly.]

–Man­hat­tan-bound L train

Mid­dle-aged tourist on cell: No, we got­ta go to Penn Cen­tral. Trust me, I know this place — we got­ta get to Penn Cen­tral.

–Penn Sta­tion