Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wedne­say One-lin­ers, The End

Frat­boy: They’re go­ing to tear that build­ing down, be­cause it’s se­ri­ous­ly de­crap­i­tat­ed. I mean, just to­tal­ly de­crap­i­tat­ed.

–BAM Cin­e­matek

Girl on cell: He’s go­ing to hell and I don’t even care. He’s go­ing to die and I’m fine with it.

–Hous­ton & 1st Ave.

Guy: My mom was go­ing through menopause, and I could to­tal­ly re­late.

–Lafayette & 3rd St.

Over­heard by: Tedd

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: So Life­like!

Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would to­tal­ly do it!

–Queens

Mid­dle-aged Lati­no: I’ve got bar­bie dolls!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

News­pa­per ven­dor: Cause I have that mul­ti­ple sneez­ing thing! I hate that crap! I’m like a bob­ble-head doll!

–96th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: Galatea

Girl leav­ing nail sa­lon: It looks like Mal­ibu Bar­bie just threw up all over my feet.

–11th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bill

De­spon­dent lit­tle girl in cof­fee shop: Um, I don’t play with the doll house that much be­cause you said we’re not sup­posed to play in the med­i­ta­tion room.

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One Baaaad Moth­er– Shut Yo’ Mouth!

Cute JAP talk­ing about all the stuff she gets: I don’t need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Over­heard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Lis­ten, John. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom.

–R Train

An­noy­ing 40-some­thing new mom: A good mom al­ways has a di­a­per in her pock­et!

–Barnes & No­ble, 18th & 5th

Over­heard by: I Am McLovey

Cowork­er: I got a boot­leg moth­er.

–Mid­town

Win­dow-shop­ping tourist to wife: Look, hon­ey! It’s the dress your moth­er wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Moth­er’s Day and she yells at me for not call­ing her for Moth­er’s Day like my broth­er did. So I go out­side and call her from my cell and say “hap­py Moth­er’s Day!” and she yells at me for be­ing an id­iot.

–37th & 7th

He­m­or­rhoidal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: Hon­ey, they zapped my ass­hole.

–Out­side Tribeca Grand Ho­tel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an ac­cent on the E… His ma­ma named him Ass­hole!

–Bus, be­tween 77th & 76th

Over­heard by: It’s a Jer­sey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his ass­hole tin­gles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broad­way

Hobo: It does­n’t take a ge­nius to see it. He’s a flam­ing ass­hole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i wish i was a tourist some­times

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ ass­hole… Even in a wheel­chair he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much bet­ter than any oth­er guy I’ve dat­ed… He’s not an ass­hole, he’s not Type A… My on­ly prob­lem with him is that he’s not de­pressed enough.

–Amore’s Piz­za, 14th St

Over­heard by: dues

What Not to Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Hip­ster girl: Look, just be­cause you’re preg­nant does­n’t mean you have to dress like a fifth grad­er.

–Union Pool, Brook­lyn

Vain fag, look­ing at pants: I re­al­ly love these shorts, I hope they’re *in* this sum­mer…

–LIRR

Guy wear­ing bright green leather clogs: No, I’d nev­er wear crocs. They’re ug­ly.

–For­est Hills Gar­dens, Queens

Over­heard by: Aloof Lon­er

Goth girl: Let’s buy fur coats and throw paint on our­selves.

–Bloom­ing­dale’s

Dis­em­bod­ied voice: Yo, these are mom jeans. I hate that shit! The waist goes all the way up to your stom­ach and then it makes a lit­tle V‑neck pouch for your vagi­na. I hate that shit!

–Fit­ting Rooms, Gap in Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Zarya

[Wait­ing in line for the washroom.]Lady, bawl­ing her eyes out: Sor­ry, I or­dered this jack­et, and it’s two sizes too big!

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: Tra­cy

Damp, De­li­cious Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Man on cell: Is your vagi­na swelled to the same de­gree as my pe­nis is swelled?

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Say­Wh­h­haat

40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagi­na?

–43rd & 3rd

Black guy on cell: This is why I nev­er beg for pussy!

–Spring St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B

Girl: My vagi­na is the Lin­coln Tun­nel.

–NJ Tran­sit, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ja­son Kru­ta

13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy’s good, but it ain’t that good.

–Ja­maica-bound E train

Over­heard by: Rhon­da hearts Queens

Chick on cell: I don’t know why I lis­tened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagi­na feels like it’s on fire. I’m nev­er do­ing that again.

–92nd & 3rd

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are the Fourth Sacra­ment

Girl: I can’t com­plain be­cause we’re not mar­ried — then I can com­plain all I want.

–Iron Sushi

14-year-old girl to mom: If you had mar­ried that oth­er guy I would have been so much taller!

–70th & Lex

Over­heard by: Eve­lyn

Hobo to by­stander: You’re gonna mar­ry a woman and not know she’s a gov­ern­ment agent? How re­tard­ed can you get?!

–Queens-bound V train

Chick: What you’re say­ing is, he could­n’t af­ford the waste­bas­ket so he got a wife?

–140th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chub­by fin­gers… I’m still not go­ing to mar­ry him.

–97th & Broad­way

Pro­fes­sor: Will you mar­ry me?! Your fa­ther is dead!

–NYU

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner