Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Now with Pop-Up Block­er

Trad­er: Yeah, so af­ter I first called him I ac­ci­den­tal­ly sent him a hard­core porn email, and he got such a kick out of it he sent me a hun­dred and fifty thou­sand share or­der.

–42nd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: So that’s how he makes so much mon­ey

Chick : Well, I got that thing on Face­book for his fu­ner­al, so I’ll be there Mon­day…

–NJ Tran­sit train to Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Jin­gles

Kid on cell: Okay, now at­tach the file to the email… The file name is, um, ‘Beau­ti­ful black booties.’ What? Come on, I re­al­ly need this for my oral pre­sen­ta­tion.

–Yeshi­va Uni­ver­si­ty High School

Over­heard by: Ellen De­Gen­er­ate

Hip­ster on cell: I am so My­Space mad at you.

–10th & Bed­ford

Over­heard by: Mandy

Girl: Friend­ing him on Face­book is not an in­di­ca­tion that you want to get in his pants!

–L train

Over­heard by: michelle c

Skin­ny tween boy: My mom told me to be care­ful of stalk­ers on My­Space. Then, as soon as I signed up, I al­ready had one friend — he was this guy named Tom — just smil­ing at me. I thought, ‘Man, how did the stalk­er find me so fast?!’

–1 train

30-some­thing dude to an­oth­er: So, late­ly I’ve been re­al­ly in­to Googling ex­is­ten­tial ques­tions…

–E 3rd & Bow­ery

Over­heard by: alyosha

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Wednes­day-One-Lin­er and Dis­or­der­ly

Stu­dent: I feel like I’m drunk. Like when I was six.

–Mid­dle School Dance, Span­ish Harlem

Six-year-old girl: I drank beer once and I went crazy!

–Cen­tral Park

Dad, about his young son who has just run face-first in­to a chair: Don’t wor­ry about him, he’s just drunk.

–In­di­an Road Cafe, In­wood

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Five-year-old boy: Next stop, wine store!

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 9th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on blue­tooth head­set: You want every­one to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want every­one to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: Alexan­dra

Twelve-year-old gui­do, near tears, dou­bled over in the street scream­ing on his cell phone: You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brook­lyn

20 some­thing blonde on cell: … Is that nor­mal? [Pause.] No, it’s dif­fer­ent every time, like it al­most dis­ap­pears… Then an­oth­er time its all swing­ing and shit… Is that nor­mal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mum­bles.]

–LIRR

Man­ag­er to em­ploy­ee: You are a cock guz­zling thun­der­cunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blow­ing him in Mo­Ma, I re­al­ly don’t know how to get his at­ten­tion.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Why Mo­Ma?

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are An­oth­er Year Old­er but None the Wis­er

20-some­thing: I did­n’t even re­al­ize it was my birth­day un­til I checked Face­book!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: mtraine­ti­quette

Girl to friend: We should cel­e­brate tonight–it’s my half birth­day in 10 days.

–Croc­o­dile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See no­body is wear­ing birth­day scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you re­al­ly be­lieve I was go­ing to get you a Hel­lo Kit­ty vi­bra­tor for your birth­day?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birth­day! You should be giv­ing *me* mon­ey!

–111 & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Great De­pres­sion

Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this home­less man, and he asked for change. I was like, ‘Man, I’m even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.’ And then the guy is like, ‘Well, at least you have clothes,’ and so I was like, ‘No, I bor­rowed this from a dra­ma per­for­mance.’ And then he said have I eat­en? I was like, ‘No, I on­ly ate a sand­wich two days ago.’ The home­less guy is like, ‘You’re right — you are worse off than me.’

–N train

Chick: You know that hobo ask­ing for a mo­tor­cy­cle? He now wants din­ner in the Hamp­tons.

–79th & Broad­way

Dude: If we see a home­less guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night’s South Park.

–Man­hat­tan-bound LIRR, Port Wash­ing­ton line

Chick: Let’s be­come home­less peo­ple so we can just stay on this train.

–Metro-North to Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: jj

La­dy on cell: Yeah, I don’t like sin­gles… I don’t like home­less peo­ple, ei­ther. I’d give my sin­gles to the home­less.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Beez

Queer hip­ster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I want­ed to see his pu­bic won­der­land!

–68th & Lex­ing­ton

Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he’s not, like, home­less-home­less… He’s medi­um home­less!

–Bleeck­er & Thomp­son

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Their Ups and “Downs”

Dog own­er to an­oth­er: Dogs are fun­ny. They’re like lit­tle re­tard­ed kids.

–Tomp­kins Square Park Dog Run

Guy on cell: She went from Deb­bie down­er to Deb­bie Down Syn­drome.

–62nd St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Timo Lip­ping

Dad: I thought she would like Car­oli­na, so we took her to see four schools there. I asked her if she liked them and she said, “I liked the schools… But every­one there seemed slight­ly re­tard­ed.”

–W 54th St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: John­ny V.

South­ern woman who just ran NYC marathon to South­ern friend: Well, we can’t have a ba­by now be­cause it would be re­tard­ed… be­cause I’m 35, you know?

–Bec­co Restau­rant, The­ater Dis­trict

Over­heard by: mer­say­seh

The Rocky Hor­ror Wednes­day One-Lin­er Show

Old la­dy to grad stu­dent son: Hm­mm, I nev­er thought of it be­fore, but pre-op trans­sex­u­als are like ABDs!

–98th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kobayashi

Hip­ster: This is New York! You’d think I could have a sex change and every­one would be okay with it!

–3rd & Lex

Over­heard by: West Coast Court­ney

Guy: So, let me get this straight — she was a fine-ass chick that looked like a dude that was­n’t a fine-ass chick, be­cause she looked like a dude?

–Court St & At­lantic Ave

20-ish chick: I can’t be­lieve how self­ish she is. I mean, why would­n’t she share her tran­ny?

–Brook­lyn Burg­er Bar

Fat Ital­ian guy in vel­vet run­ning suit: Every­body fucks… We all fuck… But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?!

–Lit­tle Italy

Over­heard by: Frank C.

Man: You’re right — I thought I was the on­ly one that thought that the skin­ny lit­tle woman from Sex and the City and Jen­nifer Anis­ton look like tran­nies.

–Cham­bers St & W Broad­way

Over­heard by: son­ny

Fe­male stu­dent: Who would have ex­pect­ed that they would play the ‘Your dead broth­er is ac­tu­al­ly a woman’ card?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Matthew

We’re Los­ing the War on Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Blonde on cell: It’s not a methadone pro­gram! You’re on methadone the whole time while you’re in there, but it’s not a methadone pro­gram!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: PNY

Frat boy: It’s liq­uid co­caine, and it’s go­ing to be le­gal for at least an­oth­er year!

–Li­on’s Head Bar, 108th & Am­s­ter­dam

Dude: You just spray it and then snort it…

–33 W 19th Street

Over­heard by: Uh, I nev­er did it like that..

Man on cell: Man, you’re al­ways high! Re­mem­ber that con­struc­tion job? No, of course you don’t — ’cause you were high!

–72nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Isa­iah Tanen­baum

Lead singer: I sweat coke at Bikram Yo­ga.

–Crash Man­sion

Queer on cell: And the one thing I should’ve been buy­ing my­self — drugs — he was buy­ing for me.

–23rd & 7th

Over­heard by: MR

At­tor­ney on phone: She may smoke pot, but she’s ab­solute­ly re­spon­si­ble!

–Mid­town East

Over­heard by: Opie

A Smor­gash­board Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman to man: I know! I don’t fry any­thing. I don’t even fry my food any­more.

–47th & 6th

Over­heard by: A very dis­turbed News­bun­ny

Old Jew­ish woman to hus­band hold­ing restau­rant left­overs: It’s a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Is­rael!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: What a waste!

Prep­py guy: At least *I’m* not the one mo­lest­ing fic­tion­al ce­re­al pitch­men.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl on cell, talk­ing loud­ly: I don’t know what I want, but what­ev­er I want, I want French fries with it.

–John St

Prep­py girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?

–Times Square

Fe­male new stu­dent to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole bur­ri­to-is-a-dick thing.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Over­heard by: Catie