Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’

Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.

–Columbia

20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.

–Columbia

Overheard by: martina m.

Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.

–Columbia

Overheard by: Ladle

Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.

–1 train

Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’

–1 train

Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.

–Columbia

Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.

–116th St

Overheard by: Sam

Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II

Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but…

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Zoe

Suit: Well, apparently I’m part psychic and part asshole.

–Union Square

Overheard by: quite the combo

Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep…

–1 train, Houston St

Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan

Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can’t be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we’re friends. Like I need this!

–Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall

Yuppie on cell: I don’t give a fuck about them. As long as I’m on their will, I don’t really give a shit.

–34th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gunita

Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.

–Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: SuziQ

Can You Use Wednesday One-Liners in a Sentence?

20-ish woman: Why do they call it waiting on line instead of waiting in line? Is that like a New York thing? Is that like calling it smoking up instead of smoking out?

–58th & Park

Overheard by: marisa

Guy: Well, I think absent-minded means more like… Uh… Like…

–Broadway & Waverly

Future lawyer chick: Wait… So that’s the rebuttal? Rebuttal? Is that a word? Or is the word ‘counterargument’? Or am I just making up words?

–LSAT class, Cooper Square

Four-year-old girl to little boy who spoke in Spanish: I don’t speak your English!

–Claremont Park, Bronx

Overheard by: ClaRity

JAP to boyfriend: I don’t want anything that I can’t, like, pronounce right now.

–St Mark’s falafel district

Wednesday One-Liners Are Friends With Tom

Geeky boy: I think I’m having trouble meeting people online because my MySpace page is so intimidating.
Goth girls: [Silence.]

–Eileen’s Cheesecake

Girl: Hey, why didn’t you Friendster me on MySpace yet?

–46th & 6th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Girl departing with friend: MySpace-message me when you get your new phone! But I’m sure I’ll see you before then.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Nerd: So I broke up with her by changing my MySpace status from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single.’

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Adrienne

Ghetto boy: Where the fuck has he been? Fuck. I’m going to hunt that nigger down on MySpace.

–Wendy’s, 23rd St

Guido in car full of guidos, taking girl’s picture with cell: Hey, girl! Didn’t I see you on MySpace last night?

–Hughes Ave & Fordham Rd

Overheard by: Greg

Skinny girl on cell: What? I’m sorry! Listen, you asked! That’s what happens when you bend over and you aren’t wearing underwear: your pussy definitely ends up on MySpace.

–65th & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Are One of the Properties of a Metal

Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.

–Long Beach-bound LIRR

Overheard by: Matt P.

Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard… And you don’t want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place…

–Metro-North

Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you’re having a bad day, don’t try to have a good one. That’s just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.

–6 train

Overheard by: freckles

Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?

Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.

–A train

Overheard by: McF.

Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.

–7 train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!

–Q train

Overheard by: Zvi

Sure, Lisa, Some Magical Wednesday One-Liner….

Dude with chick to group of smokers outside bar: We are going to eat pork chops and fuck.

–Bleecker and Crosby

Gay male on cell: …Do you really think I would try his sausage balls?

–53rd St & 8th Ave

Budget Vin Diesel: I love bacon. If I could, I would put bacon in my cereal.

–Sunburnt Cow, Avenue C

Overheard by: LeahPia77

Hispanic deli worker: Es muy barato, como la carne de gato.

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Anna Pilar

Black man, to Jewish friend: You’re not Jewish. You had bacon at your baby’s naming ceremony. Thickest, juiciest most delicious bacon I ever ate in my life. You named your kid Samuel and you had bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon.

–A Train

Man on cell phone: The sausages! I mean, I don’t feel bad for the hot dogs. But, the sausages?!

–41st and 7th

Overheard by: Justin

Not-So-Educated Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Hi, I just realized today that my wallet was stolen a month ago.

–Chase Manhattan, Broadway & 73rd

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: I’ll have a Mahatma grande.

–Starbucks, Broadway & 98th

Lady: If it was a real fortune-teller or whatever, they’re not supposed to charge you, right?

–78th & 2nd

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!

–A train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?

–A train

Overheard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.

–Grand Central

Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.

–Tiffany & Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck

Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what’s going on.

Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed — maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!

–B train

Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!

–Union Square

Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can’t help it that I’m a chicken!

–90th & Lex

Overheard by: Zach

Hospital employee to another: You see, I don’t call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.

–Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side

Overheard by:

Guy to girl: So you’d rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you’re telling me?

–Columbia University

You Really Shouldn’t Joke about Wednesday One-Liners

Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I’ve ever met.

–Penn Station

Biker dude: I’m a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can’t be racist!

–Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A

Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it’s like the fucking Holocaust in here.

–1 train

Overheard by: Stella Blue

Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it’s the ‘Holocaust.’ We should start calling it the ‘Jollycaust.’

–Strand Bookstore

Blonde tourist: The date was okay… I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like… racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.

–Crowded M96 crosstown bus

Overheard by: Socky