Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season

Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!

–M14D crosstown bus

Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!

–A train, 59th St

Overheard by: Call me Santa

Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain’t buying you shit this Christmas!

–1 train

Overheard by: marcusmarc

Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!

–33rd & 7th

Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets — they’re running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that’s your paranoia for the day!

–F train

Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.

–Ludlow St

Overheard by: ryan

Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-looking.

–2 train

Overheard by: apparently out of luck

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Hipster waitress to another: Camel toe is like, really hot, but also really uncomfortable.

–Williamsburg

College guy to friend: Dude, I'd definitely date a dude who looked like a hot chick… It's not gay.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Stephen

Professor: Welcome to CUNY, it's like menopause. It's either too hot or too cold.

–City University of New York

Latino girl on cell: Bitch, please. I'm gonna look mad hot tonight. I'ma comb my hair!

–American Apparel

Male professor: I don't care how hot Brad Pitt is… If he sits on my lap, nothing's going to happen!

–New York Institute of Technology

Overheard by: Not Brad Pitt

Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson

Wednesday One-Liners! They're Just Like Us!

Creepy dad, cheerfully, to seven-year-old daughter: There's only one Lindsay Lohan!

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Jewish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done people tell me I look like Amy Winehouse?

–116th St & Broadway

Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in particular: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!

–N6 Bus

Overheard by: looks like paris hilton?

Larger reporter: I'm not going to save clothes that fit me before I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I'm going to buy some new damn clothes. I don't want to wear stuff from 1987. I'll look stupid, I'll look like Mischa Barton.

–Midtown Office

Overheard by: you wont be mischa's size

Hipster girl to friend: I mean, I really like him… But he thinks River Phoenix is a place.

–East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Formatted to Fit Your Screen

Southern tourist: By the way, if you’re ever watching Law and Order, this is where everyone gets murdered and gets raped.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Adam Schiff

Man lunching with buddy: No, I’m not a monk. That was just TV.

–18th & 5th

Crazy guy, through ventilator: Sonoco… Cablevision… Sonoco… Cablevision… Sonoco… Cablevision…

–West End Ave

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Trader on cell: Well, she’s certainly not MTV yet — not VH1. She’s more like 60 Minutes.

–Trading floor, NY Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Trader Joey

Hot girl to boyfriend: See, I don’t think ass sex is necessarily something I want to do whilst watching X-Files

–Pietrasanta Restaurant, Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: Ta-da!

Enthusiastic hobo: What time is Desperate Housewives on?!

–Astor Pl

Man, after changing his shoes in a lively manner: What, you never saw Mr. Rogers?

–Jamaica-bound E train

Overheard by: He Was Quite Handsome…..

You May Now Kiss the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman: Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I have to touch him!

–W 32nd & 5th

Street preacher pointing at ladies in short skirts: We’ve gotta get them married! We can’t be havin’ them fornicating in the streets!

–59th & 5th

Lady on cell: I mean, there were some funny pictures… Whitney freaking on me just isn’t what I had in mind… I just don’t really want pictures of beer pong in my wedding album, y’know?

–Gramercy Park

20-ish girl on cell: Grandma, it is so important that you are at my wedding. I need to have you there… Dad and I were talking, and we’re going to get you a refundable ticket… Just in case anything happens.

–Chinatownbus

Overheard by: Kaiti

Man to friend: No, it’s over. We had the wedding planned and everything and then she never got a divorce.

–NJ Transit to Penn Station

Dirty, Sexy Wednesday One-Liners

Young gay guy in Daisy Dukes, shades and tank top, yammering away on cell: Is it totally acceptable to have sex on the beach there?

–43rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Anna Rose

Teen boy to friend: If I were a giant I'd fuck the Statue of Liberty!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Henry

Chick to friend: As soon as I get over this yeast infection, I'm gonna bang the shit out of him.

–McDonald's, Times Square

Overheard by: Keep It Movin'

Black guy on cell: Penetration?! Penetration?! It ain't about penetration, it's all about sensation.

–E 4th St

Overheard by: girl named sugar

Drunk man to drunk woman, while making out against a car: Let's just go with it…let's just fuck on top of the car.

–Bleecker & Macdougal

Girl to the guy at the next table: Haven't I slept with you before?

–Stabrucks, 78th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ashlee

Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney

Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"

–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU

Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: fingerling

Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.

–McCarren Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: kalbijim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?

–Williamsburg

The Joy Luck Wednesday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: I'm sure she wants to castrate me. (pause) Remember her Asian friend, well… (pause) Yeah, I hit that. (pause, then uncontrollable laugh) I gots the yellow fever!

–59th St & 11th

Chinese brother to sister: All Asians get off at this stop. (looking out window) See? They're all Asian. (pause) Oh, wait, there's one English guy.

–Grand Street Stop, D Train

Overheard by: Justin W

Asian girl on cell: You know how people say all Asians look the same? Well, I realized something today. All white people look the same to me–I honestly can't tell them apart!

–Port Authority

20-something Asian girl on cell, in perfect American English: So, I just got welcomed to America for the second time today. Are my clothes that… (with disgust) Asian?

–Metro-North

Overheard by: RedShikari

Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon

Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother’s dying. Yeah, again — she’s dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can’t believe I have to go to Louisiana.

–Union Square

Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn’t it?

–Museum of Natural History

Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can’t talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What’s fucking wrong with that?!

–Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd

Overheard by: Rod-Rod

Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, my grandma’s dying and my cat’s eating her toes, and… um… I lost the papers’? I can’t do that… [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]

–30th & 6th

Overheard by: avenueF

Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.

–Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd

Overheard by: Will

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