Archive for the ‘All Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are in a Tran­si­tion­al Phase

Con­duc­tor (af­ter a few min­utes wait­ing at sig­nal): One of those trains bet­ter hur­ry it up and move it, I have bet­ter things to do.

–N Train

Con­duc­tor: Across the plat­form is an ex­press 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (af­ter a few stops) There is an ex­press 2 train across the plat­form. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: mo­ti­vat­ed

Cheer­ful con­duc­tor: Wel­come to the sta­tion for­mer­ly known as Prince!

–R Train

Con­duc­tor: We are now ar­riv­ing at Grand Cen­tral. This is our fi­nal stop. We’re six min­utes ear­ly, so now you can’t say any­thing bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Over­heard by: An­gela

Con­duc­tor: That is a 1 train and all trains are run­ning ex­press. An­oth­er lo­cal won’t run til 5 am Mon­day. You can wait but we don’t serve din­ner or break­fast, and I’m all out of sleep­ing bags.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Steve

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the train’s emer­gency brakes have been ac­ti­vat­ed for some rea­son. The train op­er­a­tor is go­ing to walk around the train and check if there’s a…body, or some­thing, un­der the train. Af­ter that, we’ll be able to move!

–C Train

Over­heard by: Pa­tient Pas­sen­ger

Train con­duc­tor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Over­heard by: to mount kisco, and BE­YOND!

It’s All Greek to Me

Busi­ness­guy: It’s a small world.
Busi­ness­chick: Es­pe­cial­ly in As­to­ria!
Busi­ness­guy: Ha, ha, ha!
Busi­ness­chick: Hee, hee.

–Mid­town of­fice

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers in Smell-O-Vi­sion

Hip­ster girl: I’d rather face the stig­ma of buy­ing fem­i­nine hy­giene prod­ucts than face the stig­ma of hav­ing a stinky hoo-ha.

–13th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: agreed

Girl: Re­mem­ber Di­ana? Stinky Di­ana? She’s back, and she’s get­ting mar­ried.

–West 47th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Pe­ter G

Chick: If I’m go­ing to play beer pong, I need to be fra­grant.

–Sam­my’s, 11th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: McF

Lit­tle boy to dad: I don’t want to go to Africa! I don’t want to smell the camels!

–5th Ave & Park Pl, Park Slope

Voice on in­ter­com: The Chil­dren’s Sec­tion is closed due to… that smell.

–NY Pub­lic Li­brary, East 96th St

Over­heard by: Di­ane

Chick: So, did you smell your toi­let pa­per?

–Mo­MA cafe

Over­heard by: Sweet­tart

Wel­come to the Wednes­day One-Lin­er Po­si­tion­ing Sys­tem

Girl on cell, look­ing for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I’m di­rect­ly un­der it right now.

–Sheep Mead­ow, Cen­tral Park

Guy on cell: Yeah, we’ll go now. Okay. Right now, I’m at 116 and Hamsterdam–Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a dis­turb­ing men­tal im­age. Yeah, ex­act­ly. Riv­er full of ham­sters. Okay, see ya.

–116th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: That would be tru­ly ter­ri­fy­ing.

Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I’m on the down­town side of the street!

–East Side

Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I’m on the cor­ner of fuckin’ some­thin’ an some­thin’.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I’m at the cor­ner of Charles Street and moth­er­fuck­ing I don’t know!

–West Vil­lage

Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we’re at 7th Av­enue.

–G Train

“What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­er)”

Girl to teenage posse: Ei­ther the pen was re­al­ly weak or his butt was re­al­ly strong.

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: News­bun­ny does­n’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, af­ter av­er­age woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sand­wich out that ass!

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Din­gle­ber­ry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt mag­a­zines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Old­er woman to younger woman: If your booty de­serves the cred­it, give it the cred­it!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Cred­it!

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spend Most of Their Time Fundrais­ing

Man to guy try­ing to avoid him: Be­cause, you see — all Re­pub­li­cans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.

–67th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: kendra

Thug to an­oth­er: Damn, nig­ga! That’s why the De­moc­rats ain’t go­ing to win the moth­er­fuckin’ White House in 2008!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not

Right­eous girl: I am glad I slept with him be­fore I found out he was a Re­pub­li­can.

–6 train, Up­town

Over­heard by: Su­san

Rollerblad­ing twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Han­ni­ty is such a douche!

–44th and 8th

An­ti-Bush crazy at an­ti-war stand on the street: There’s an id­iot in the White House! There’s an id­iot in the White House! .… Ac­tu­al­ly, he’s a mon­key — we got the DNA re­sults back!

–Out­side of the Met

Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 peo­ple! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Con­ser­v­a­tives — the New York Con­ser­v­a­tives!

–181 St & Ft. Wash­ing­ton, Star­bucks

Over­heard by: One of the teach­ers

Hobo: I hope I nev­er run for of­fice, be­cause you peo­ple aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.

–F Train