Archive for the ‘Alphabet City’ Category

Jim Gaffigan: The Horror!

Loud woman: You said you'd had Hot Pockets!
Quiet woman: No, I…
Loud woman, interrupting: Yes, you did! You told me you had had Hot Pockets!
Quiet woman: I haven't had Hot Pockets in weeks. Not since Evan*'s parents were in town.
Loud woman: You told me you did just days ago! You lie! Li-ar!
Quiet woman: No, I said the reason I had cake for breakfast is that I *ran out* of Hot Pockets!

–6th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Strangely, Our First Ever Quote to Include the Words “Pig Urine”

Old man: So where are you from?
Barber: Russia.
Old man: Oh yes, they have a lot of money there in Russia.
Barber: No, very poor.
Old man: Where in Russia are you from?
Barber: Uzbekistan.
Old man: Oh! So you're from the boondocks? Your country would be like the boondocks to Russia.
Barber: I lived in a city.
Old man: A city? You mean you didn't grow up on a farm?
Barber: No.
Old man: You didn't have livestock?
Barber: Yes. We had pigs and chickens.
Old man: Pigs are great. But pig urine smells awful. And chickens are stupid. They will lie back with their mouths open and drown in a rainstorm.
Barber: Yes, chickens are stupid. I named them after my sisters.

–E 9th & Ave A

Wednesday One-Liners Live on a Steady Diet of Government Cheese

Guy: I'm tellin' you, man. America loves cheese. No, seriously, dude. America loves cheese!

–Ace's, 5th St & Ave B

Cute 20-something guy singing while playing soccer: Bottles of cheese, bottles of cheeeeeeeeese…

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: i'd like a bottle of cheese

Girl: I'd rather have a turkey sandwich with cum on it than cheese.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Lindsay

Distressed female student: She's such a hard grader! She's like…a cheese grater.

–Queens College

Five-year old boy: But mummy, I want goat cheese on my french fries!

–St. Regis Hotel

Overheard by: Nonok

That's the Last Time I'll Babysit a Middle-Schooler for Only 5 Bucks an Hour

Relatively sober girl: Bruce, you can't sleep here. You live in Queens. Your bed is in Queens.
Drunk guy: No, this is my new home. I live here now. (points at the wall)
Relatively sober girl: Bruce, go home.
Drunk guy: I am home.
Relatively sober girl: No, your house is in Queens. Go there.
Drunk guy: Queens? Okay. (points to the left) I'm going to go that way cause it's longer. No…wait, (points to the right) That way.
Relatively sober girl: Whatever! I did not sign up for this tonight.

–9th St & Ave A