Archive for the ‘Alphabet City’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Just “So­cia­ble”

Drunk gay man: I’ve slept with more men than my mom has!

–Ave A

Over­heard by: Let his own mom win that con­test

Woman to man: I don’t want to be known as the whore of New York­ers.

–9th Ave & 44th St

Woman on cell: It’s just sex. There’s no way you guys can ever be per­ma­nent­ly tied, or any­thing.

–Ma­cy’s

Prep­py, mid­dle-aged woman, about man on iPhone: Who is that whore?

–Book­store, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: ‑she prob­a­bly said

Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Sto­ry)

Man: Why’d you read all my email?
Woman: I on­ly did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You men­tioned whether I wrote to Bar­ry about that girl from Cana­da out of the blue, where’d that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It’s against the law. You vi­o­lat­ed me. I’d nev­er do that to you.
Woman: You’d do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don’t get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: “I liked the way you touched me af­ter yo­ga class–”
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It’s not fun­ny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: Jan­u­ary. What is that? You want to screw oth­er peo­ple? Why is that?
Man: Laina…it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? “I love the way your long hair shakes down on­to my chest. I will have to re­pay you soon.”
Man: I did­n’t pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks lat­er you went with me and my fam­i­ly to the Vine­yard.
Man: You have every right to be up­set. It was once, hon­ey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don’t joke like this with some­one you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I did­n’t fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You’re sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You’re just sick!

–Cafe Pick Me Up, Av­enue A

Over­heard by: Gideon Wal­lace

We Can Spot Fake Wednes­day One-Lin­ers a Mile Away

Ex­as­per­at­ed woman on phone: It’s a phone in­ter­view! What does it mat­ter what type of boobs I have?

–Of­fice Build­ing, 32nd & 7th

Over­heard by: erkala

Girl, af­ter guy ac­ci­den­tal­ly hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeez­ing them, not hit­ting them!

–Toys R’ Us, Times Square

Over­heard by: Lotte

Up­per West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It com­plete­ly ru­ins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don’t want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you’re com­ing to New York? That’s good. I called your moth­er, she said you’re stay­ing with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to an­oth­er, while at lunch: I don’t care if you think I live too fast and I’ll be dead at 45. At least I’ll die with a tit­tie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: sal b

Jim Gaffi­gan: The Hor­ror!

Loud woman: You said you’d had Hot Pock­ets!
Qui­et woman: No, I…
Loud woman, in­ter­rupt­ing: Yes, you did! You told me you had had Hot Pock­ets!
Qui­et woman: I haven’t had Hot Pock­ets in weeks. Not since Evan*‘s par­ents were in town.
Loud woman: You told me you did just days ago! You lie! Li-ar!
Qui­et woman: No, I said the rea­son I had cake for break­fast is that I *ran out* of Hot Pock­ets!

–6th St & Ave A

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Strange­ly, Our First Ever Quote to In­clude the Words “Pig Urine”

Old man: So where are you from?
Bar­ber: Rus­sia.
Old man: Oh yes, they have a lot of mon­ey there in Rus­sia.
Bar­ber: No, very poor.
Old man: Where in Rus­sia are you from?
Bar­ber: Uzbek­istan.
Old man: Oh! So you’re from the boon­docks? Your coun­try would be like the boon­docks to Rus­sia.
Bar­ber: I lived in a city.
Old man: A city? You mean you did­n’t grow up on a farm?
Bar­ber: No.
Old man: You did­n’t have live­stock?
Bar­ber: Yes. We had pigs and chick­ens.
Old man: Pigs are great. But pig urine smells aw­ful. And chick­ens are stu­pid. They will lie back with their mouths open and drown in a rain­storm.
Bar­ber: Yes, chick­ens are stu­pid. I named them af­ter my sis­ters.

–E 9th & Ave A

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Live on a Steady Di­et of Gov­ern­ment Cheese

Guy: I’m tellin’ you, man. Amer­i­ca loves cheese. No, se­ri­ous­ly, dude. Amer­i­ca loves cheese!

–Ace’s, 5th St & Ave B

Cute 20-some­thing guy singing while play­ing soc­cer: Bot­tles of cheese, bot­tles of cheeeeeeeeese…

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: i’d like a bot­tle of cheese

Girl: I’d rather have a turkey sand­wich with cum on it than cheese.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Lind­say

Dis­tressed fe­male stu­dent: She’s such a hard grad­er! She’s like…a cheese grater.

–Queens Col­lege

Five-year old boy: But mum­my, I want goat cheese on my french fries!

–St. Reg­is Ho­tel

Over­heard by: Nonok