Archive for the ‘Alphabet City’ Category

That’s the Last Time I’ll Babysit a Mid­dle-School­er for On­ly 5 Bucks an Hour

Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: Bruce, you can’t sleep here. You live in Queens. Your bed is in Queens.
Drunk guy: No, this is my new home. I live here now. (points at the wall)
Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: Bruce, go home.
Drunk guy: I am home.
Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: No, your house is in Queens. Go there.
Drunk guy: Queens? Okay. (points to the left) I’m go­ing to go that way cause it’s longer. No…wait, (points to the right) That way.
Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: What­ev­er! I did not sign up for this tonight.

–9th St & Ave A

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t That Kind Of Street­walk­er

Po­lice of­fi­cer to taxi dri­ver: If you just hit one, the rest will scat­ter.

–Her­ald Square

Guy to girl, push­ing her in­to the street: An­na ver­sus car, who will win?

–E Hous­ton & Ave D

Over­heard by: ha­ha

Tourist to New York­er: You’re not sup­posed to jay­walk!

–Her­ald Square

Chick to an­oth­er: We did­n’t get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.

–7th & 23rd

Over­heard by: Stormy

Guy with stroller to pass­ing car: You hit my ba­by, I’ll take your car!

–Ford­ham & Hoff­man

Over­heard by: sromeo

Cross­ing guard, watch­ing pedes­tri­an cross in a hur­ry: My mon­ey’s on the bus!

–Low­er Man­hat­tan

Over­heard by: Steve

May/December Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Girl: Man, this old dyke is dig­ging on me, but I want some pe­nis
these days.

–3rd be­tween B & C

Guy: Man, old pussy is the best! She has 50 years of dick suck­ing ex­pe­ri­ence.

–124th & Man­hat­tan

Over­heard by: Ja­son Stein­hauer

Queer on cell: Ever since I lost my hair I’ve had 20 year olds chas­ing me around like I’m an ice cream cone.


Over­heard by: Squat­por­poise

Girl: Oh yeah, that guy you saw me with Sun­day? He lets me watch him have sex with boys.

–NYU School of so­cial work

Over­heard by: Mag­gie

Wednes­day One-Lin­er: The World’s Old­est Pro­fes­sion

Old­er, dirty-look­ing hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hook­er and some malt liquor.

–Ave A & 4th St

20-some­thing girl: Se­ri­ous­ly! There is noth­ing bet­ter af­ter a stress­ful day than steal­ing a car, pick­ing up a hook­er, tak­ing her to the beach, fuck­ing her, killing her, get­ting your mon­ey back and not get­ting ar­rest­ed. Noth­ing!

–Un­der­hill & St. Mark’s, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Claire H.

Young woman to boss: If you don’t give me more hours, I’m­ma have to start sell­in’ my pussy!


Over­heard by: Hol­ly

Sub­way mu­si­cian in drag the night be­fore Valen­tine’s Day: Be with the one you love! If you don’t have any­one, then hire some­body! And keep your re­ceipt!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Morn­ing Glo­ry

Mu­si­cian on train plat­form: Every­thing gonna be al­right! Get home safe, New York. Re­mem­ber: if you see some­thing, say some­thing, don’t keep it to your­self. And re­mem­ber, New York, if you can’t be with the one you love, pay some­one! Keep all the re­ceipts. I know what I’m talk­ing about.

–B Train

Over­heard by: Free Love

How Dar­win Got Every­one to Ac­cept His The­o­ry

Fa­ther to teenage daugh­ter: Oh, well…the par­ty was in Queens.
Daugh­ter: Fuck Queens!
Fa­ther, quick­ly check­ing cal­en­dar on cell phone: Not on Gay Pride Day, hon­ey.
Daugh­ter: Ha­ha! Hang on, I’m go­ing to write that down. I’ll use it in a sto­ry for my cre­ative writ­ing class!
Fa­ther: Oh, don’t write it down…it’s not even fun­ny. And al­ways remember…if you want your sto­ry to be fun­ny, just put in a mon­key. It al­ways works for me!
Daugh­ter: Did­n’t you nov­el get bad re­views, though? They said it was­n’t fun­ny at all.
Fa­ther: Well, ob­vi­ous­ly, I should have writ­ten in sev­er­al more mon­keys.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

With­out DNA Tests, the Sec­ond-Best Way to De­ter­mine Eth­nic­i­ty Is Ass Size

Teen boy #1: Nah, nig­ga, she can’t be Span­ish. She too skin­ny.
Teen boy #2: She’s Span­ish, yo.
Teen boy #1: I tell you, she ain’t from Spain. She’s from Eu­rope. She has a Eu­ro-sound­ing name.
Teen boy #2: Maybe she’s Mex­i­can.
Teen boy #1: Yeah, she could be Mex­i­can.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: Heather