Archive for the ‘Always Bringing it Back to You!’ Category

Wednes­day Hearts One-Lin­ers

White trash woman to an­gry boyfriend: Stop! I’m in my car and I love my­self! I love my­self! Fuck you if you don’t love your­self! Tyra says to love your­self, and I love my­self!

–49th & 11th

Con­duc­tor: Pas­sen­gers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, be­cause of our red col­ors and red sched­ules. For Valen­tine’s Day why not buy a loved one a tick­et? Noth­ing says “I love you” like a Metro North tick­et! Imag­ine the look on your moth­er-in-law’s face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Man­hat­tan!

–Metro North Train

Soror­i­ty girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell‑o.

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Pe­ter G

Guy on Blue­tooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you did­n’t fuck­ing say any­thing back. What the fuck am I sup­posed to do with that?

–Jack­son Heights

Ex­cit­ed black guy to friend: Damn! I think I’m in love, she’s like the whole pack­age! She’s pret­ty, she’s fuck­able, and she can cook!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Tim

Lit­tle boy leav­ing the church: Bye, Je­sus! I love you!

–River­side Church

Over­heard by: Stephanie

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Think They’re All That

Guy on cell: She goes to school in Pitts­burgh. She’s sec­ond rate. We go to school in New York. We know who we are.

–As­tor Place

Guy on cell: No, no. We on­ly look down on peo­ple we’re help­ing.

–Broad­way & Ful­ton

Wet dude: I should not have to walk in the rain! I am a very im­por­tant per­son!

–71st Rd & Queens Blvd, For­est Hills

Like When You’re Asleep?

Guidette to friend: Like, I’m a re­al­ly good friend, y’­know, be­cause I like to lis­ten to peo­ple. Like, so many peo­ple aren’t good friends be­cause they don’t wan­na lis­ten, but I lis­ten to peo­ple, y’­know?
Friend: Re­al­ly, it’s like–
Guidette, cut­ting her off: –I know, some peo­ple just don’t lis­ten, but I’m such a good friend be­cause I love lis­ten­ing, and I’m a good lis­ten­er…

–Lex­ing­ton Ave sta­tion

Over­heard by: Brid­gettttttt

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have the Rain­bow Con­nec­tion

Gay man: Now that every­thing is les­bian, bi and trans­gen­der, I don’t know if I can lead the com­mit­tee any­more, ’cause I’ve got my gay male priv­i­lege.

–W 13th St

Man with clip­board: Do you have a mo­ment for gay rights? (si­lence) C’­mon, help sup­port the peo­ple that made your clothes!

–10th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: You mean 10-year olds in Hon­duras?

Thug teenage dad, about ba­by star­ing at ef­fem­i­nate Asian man: Oh shit, she’s al­ready got her gay­dar on.

–4 Train

Chick to friends: I would be like the slut­ti­est gay guy and it would be to­tal­ly awe­some.

–Christo­pher St

Man: …and you know there are a ton of gays who have no prob­lem tak­ing it straight up the ass.

–Times Square

11-year-old thug­gish boy: No ho­mo, but he looks bet­ter than his sis­ter.

–Bronx Play­ground

Black guy: I’m gay! I’m proud! I’m in the front seat! I’m gay! I’m proud! I’m in the front seat! I love guys!

–Union St & 8th Ave, Brook­lyn

Sum­mer-Weight Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit: They should just go ahead and make Jan­u­ary a month al­ready. Of­fi­cial­ly, I mean.

–49th & 5th

Over­heard by: Je­re­my Tor­to­ra

Suit on cell: I think the pic­ture for the cov­er of the an­nu­al re­port should be me and you bent over a ta­ble, and John Smith* stand­ing be­hind us, gloat­ing.

–68th & Broad­way

Suit on cell: He’s not hal­lu­ci­nat­ing. He’s just re­al­ized that he’s al­ler­gic to poly­ester.

–125th St Metro North plat­form

Over­heard by: That­soundsaboutright

Suit on cell: Yeah, he ac­ci­den­tal­ly put his thumb through a two hun­dred mil­lion dol­lar…

–W 12th & Green­wich Ave

Over­heard by: Wang

Suit on cell: No, lis­ten to me! You can­not call that ‘fluff.’ You call that ‘fluff,’ both you and me will go to jail.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Erin

Tall, lanky white suit: And he was all, ‘Jib­ba-jab­ba, jib­ba-jab­ba, jib­ba-jab­ba…’ Ya know?

–Star­bucks, Beaver St

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Suit in rain, splashed by crazy, honk­ing cab­bie: Whoa! Fuck­ing lu­natic! … Well, at least now you can’t tell I just fuck­ing pissed my­self! Ass­hole!

–67th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: mor­gan

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are So Not Hot for Teacher

Teacher: Some of the an­swer choic­es peo­ple picked were re­al­ly out there. I prob­a­bly could’ve put peanut but­ter and jel­ly, and peo­ple would think, “Oh, damn, I’m hun­gry, I should pick that.”

–Stuyvesant High School

Over­heard by: Stu­dent

Teacher: Guys, no mat­ter what hap­pens, if you’re ab­sent on a test day you must bring in a note! I don’t care if you’re walk­ing to school and sud­den­ly the ground opens up and you’re sucked in­to candyland–I need a note!

–La­Guardia High School

Over­heard by: a note of choco­late?

Acoustics teacher: This on­ly em­pha­sizes how lit­tle I know about acoustics. Or rather, how lit­tle is known about acoustics.

–Coop­er Union, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: a stu­dent is on­ly as good as his t each­er

Teacher to lit­tle boy: You ain’t gonna die just cause your leg got sprin­kled on!

–L Train

Over­heard by: Mis­shellee

Prin­ci­pal: I can see what you’re doing…with this bounc­ing and the lit­tle hand on your hip…you’re try­ing to un­der­mine my au­thor­i­ty with your bad pos­ture, I can see ex­act­ly what you think of my ad­min­is­tra­tion.

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Wednes­day Two-Be­come-One Lin­ers

Girl on cell: You’re like the male ver­sion of me! Of course I want to have sex with you!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Girl: I don’t give a shit about your per­son­al life, will any­one in this bar have god­damn sex with me?!

–Naked Lunch, Tribeca

Guy on cell: So any­way, I told her I’d come and fuck her brains out. Wait a minute, I’ve got an­oth­er call com­ing in… (an­swers) Hi, mom!

–E Train

Gay queen, while fe­male friends take pho­to of were­wolf: It’s worth hav­ing sex with just be­cause of the foot…

–The Slaugh­tered Lamb Pub, West Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Lost on Christ­mas Day

Girl on phone: I ain’t deny­ing you shit, moth­er­fuck­er! You want to pound my ass? Come over and pound me! You want to fill my mouth with juice? Then fill me with juicy good­ness! (pause) Okay, I’ll see you lat­er tonight, then.

–W 123rd & 8th Ave

Fer­ry queer on phone: Every­one looks like the sex they had last night.

–Stat­en Is­land