Archive for the ‘Apologies’ Category

Can’t Talk. Defe­cat­ing.

Girl #1 in a rush, slam­ming door and al­most hit­ting oth­er girls: Oh my god, I’m so sor­ry!
Girl #2: It’s okay…
Girl #3, sar­cas­ti­cal­ly: Oh yeah, it’s to­tal­ly okay. Ac­tu­al­ly, why don’t you open the door hard­er next time?

–Re­stroom, 54th St & Ave of the Amer­i­c­as

Over­heard by: Ilike­can­dy

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

In­ter­est­ing­ly, This Is Ex­act­ly How Chris­tian­i­ty Works

JAP: Oh my god, I to­tal­ly have to go to my cous­in’s birth­day in a week. Like she is such a bitch!
Fol­low­er: I hate her be­cause you hate her.
JAP: What? I don’t hate her, she is just a lit­tle bitch.
Fol­low­er: Like, what’s the dif­fer­ence?
JAP, walk­ing away: The dif­fer­ence is you are no longer my friend and luck­i­ly you are sooo re­place­able.
Fol­low­er, run­ning be­hind: I’m sooo sor­ry! Please don’t do this!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

CNN Needs More Scratch­ing and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, af­ter watch­ing Eliot Spitzer’s apol­o­gy: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’­da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmh­mm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it re­al.

–Ed­ward R. Mur­row High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Flunk the Poly­graph

Woman on cell: I can’t come. I’m in the Poconos right now.

–Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walk­ing around in the neigh­bor­hood… Yeah, we’re at the Time Warn­er cen­ter right now. No! No, of course I’m not on St. Mark’s. No. I’d nev­er go there. Of course I’m sober! Why would­n’t I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

–St. Mark’s Place

Russ­ian guy on phone (in Russ­ian): Yeah, I’m on Av­enue M. I just got off, I’ll be there in a few.

–Q Train, Kings High­way

Over­heard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What’s up? I’m wait­ing at La­Guardia.

–Mar­tin Luther King High School

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m on Long Is­land right now. I’ll be here for a lit­tle while.

–Park Slope

Fe­male suit on phone: I have to can­cel din­ner tonight, I had that meet­ing I told you about, re­mem­ber? And I’m still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I’m in Jer­sey still.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Woman on cell out­side a pub: Hon­ey? It’s mom­my. We’re still at the hos­pi­tal. I don’t know, we could still be here for hours.

–1st & 72nd

Over­heard by: Well, there were hos­pi­tals near­by, at least

Wine and Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fe­male col­lege stu­dent on cell: Sor­ry, there was an in­ci­dent. She was eat­ing string cheese, and I told her she looked like a wal­rus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she could­n’t, and I ran in­to the bath­room. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.

–Penn Sta­tion

Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the mi­crowave. Yeah, in the wrap­per.

–57th & 7th

Sexy guy, look­ing at or­ches­tra pro­gram de­scrip­tion of move­ment “con brio”: Does that mean “with cheese”?

–Cam­er­a­ta Not­tur­na Con­cert, W. 57th St

Over­heard by: La­dle

Old­er Eu­ro­pean woman to an­oth­er: She’s fine with the ref­er­ence to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the re­al kind.

–Union Square

Hip­ster: So she writes every­thing down in her cheese di­ary…

–Bed­ford & 4th