Archive for the ‘Apologies’ Category

And Now You Ex­pect Me to Walk??

Girl­friend, ex­it­ing cafe: I told you you should have googled this place be­fore we drove all the way here!
Boyfriend: I’m sor­ry. Let’s just go in­to the city! Bars are open un­til five there!
Girl­friend: You could­n’t en­ter­tain me in Brook­lyn for half an hour. What are you go­ing to do with me in the city un­til five?
Boyfriend: Walk up and down the city streets!

–Bed­ford Ave & 6th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick un­cle that touch­es you when no ones around.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl, af­ter pass­ing a tourist bump­ing in­to her: In New York we say “ex­cuse me!”

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: The City Plan­ner

Guy to friend: Are we in the in­ner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walk­ing out of Penn sta­tion: You know what’s great about go­ing out in New York City? You can get com­plete­ly bombed and it’s no big deal, be­cause you’ll prob­a­bly nev­er see those peo­ple again, you know?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shit­ter.”

–96th & Colum­bus Ave

Can’t Talk. Defe­cat­ing.

Girl #1 in a rush, slam­ming door and al­most hit­ting oth­er girls: Oh my god, I’m so sor­ry!
Girl #2: It’s okay…
Girl #3, sar­cas­ti­cal­ly: Oh yeah, it’s to­tal­ly okay. Ac­tu­al­ly, why don’t you open the door hard­er next time?

–Re­stroom, 54th St & Ave of the Amer­i­c­as

Over­heard by: Ilike­can­dy

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

In­ter­est­ing­ly, This Is Ex­act­ly How Chris­tian­i­ty Works

JAP: Oh my god, I to­tal­ly have to go to my cous­in’s birth­day in a week. Like she is such a bitch!
Fol­low­er: I hate her be­cause you hate her.
JAP: What? I don’t hate her, she is just a lit­tle bitch.
Fol­low­er: Like, what’s the dif­fer­ence?
JAP, walk­ing away: The dif­fer­ence is you are no longer my friend and luck­i­ly you are sooo re­place­able.
Fol­low­er, run­ning be­hind: I’m sooo sor­ry! Please don’t do this!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

CNN Needs More Scratch­ing and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, af­ter watch­ing Eliot Spitzer’s apol­o­gy: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’­da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmh­mm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it re­al.

–Ed­ward R. Mur­row High School