Archive for the ‘Apologies’ Category

CNN Needs More Scratching and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, after watching Eliot Spitzer’s apology: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmhmm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it real.

–Edward R. Murrow High School

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Polygraph

Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now.

–Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood… Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

–St. Mark's Place

Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few.

–Q Train, Kings Highway

Overheard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia.

–Martin Luther King High School

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while.

–Park Slope

Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still.

–Washington Square Park

Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours.

–1st & 72nd

Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least

Wine and Wednesday One-Liners

Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.

–Penn Station

Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.

–57th & 7th

Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?

–Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St

Overheard by: Ladle

Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.

–Union Square

Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary…

–Bedford & 4th

Thanks to the Hypnotic Rhythm Of Our Argument

Woman in line at Duane Reade: I drank your water, um, that bottle of bottled water?
Boyfriend: The one with the vodka in it?
Woman: Yeah, and it, um, tasted funny. I had to lie down.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No. You should have come to bed.
Boyfriend: I did. You were asleep.

–59th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Tanker

Hush, Little Wednesday, Don't You One-Liner

Mother to screaming child: Please stop crying and put your coat on. I am not hurting you or torturing you, so please stop crying.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: olivejuice

Father to kid who just started crying: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait until we got home!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lucian

Guy to girl, on Valentine's Day: You look fat when you cry.

–Cobble Hill

Overheard by: MJB

Hispanic man on phone to girlfriend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be breaking up with me because I hit you!

–Staten Island Ferry

Guy to girlfriend: I'm sorry I pulled your hair while you were crying.

–Bowery & 2nd