Archive for the ‘Ass’ Category

Maybe Mom Got a Head Wound in Iraq, or Some­thing

Lit­tle kid: Hey, mom, look! You can see the moon!
Ghet­to mom: Shut up! You can’t see no moon when the sun out. Sit down ‘fore I bust yo lit­tle ass!
Lit­tle kid: But I can see the moon!
Nice old­er la­dy to kid: You’re right, hon­ey. You can see the moon when the sun is out. The moon is bright be­cause of the sun.
Kid to mom: See, I told you I could see the moon?
Ghet­to mom: That bitch lyin’!

–A Train

Over­heard by: in­no­cent mta cus­tomer

Sylvia Had­n’t Re­al­ized They Were off Stat­en Is­land.

Suit, tap­ping singing girl on the shoul­der: You sing won­der­ful­ly.
Girl: Thank you very much.
Suit: Yeah, by “won­der­ful­ly” I mean it sounds like a cat get­ting ass raped by a don­key. So I am sure that every­one else would ap­pre­ci­ate you not do­ing that any­more as it is on­ly 6 am.
(pas­sen­gers clap)

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry Ter­mi­nal

“What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­er)”

Girl to teenage posse: Ei­ther the pen was re­al­ly weak or his butt was re­al­ly strong.

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: News­bun­ny does­n’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, af­ter av­er­age woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sand­wich out that ass!

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Din­gle­ber­ry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt mag­a­zines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Old­er woman to younger woman: If your booty de­serves the cred­it, give it the cred­it!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Cred­it!

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he’s in­to that kinky down­town shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: bas­tar­do

Loud up­state girl: I think…doin’ any kin­da re­search in­ta fur­ries? You’re in trou­ble.

–Hud­son & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna hand­cuff me, then hand­cuff me. But, you know, when I got­ta go do my shit, I got­ta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: ste­phie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I’ve to­tal­ly got a cold too! But I’ve al­so got bondage tape. And a cell phone ac­ti­vat­ed vi­bra­tor.

–Ouidad sa­lon

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to an­oth­er, while hav­ing lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from be­hind.

–Cen­tral Park

Guy at ta­ble: You know, she’s a qual­i­ty girl, even when I was in hand­cuffs, I could tell that she was a qual­i­ty girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Over­heard by: Spazz

Wednes­day Ac­ci­den­tal­ly Leaves a Sponge in the One-Lin­er

Woman: I told him I was­n’t op­posed to din­ner just be­cause he’s had a va­sec­to­my.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Meis­ter

Prep­py guy: They took car­ti­lage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

UES woman: I’m go­ing to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Over­heard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it re­moved
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–El­e­va­tor in the Hud­son Ho­tel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay — it’s just rou­tine anal surgery!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Tam

Ra­pun­zel, Ra­pun­zel, Let Down Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I can’t be­lieve you broke a nail on your own ass hair!

–Church & Cham­bers

Three-year-old boy to an­oth­er: I like you but I don’t like your ba­by be­cause your ba­by grabbed my hair.

–Cen­tral Park, Great Lawn

Girl: Oh, I’m so glad this is all work­ing out. (gets up and sees her re­flec­tion) Fuck! Why did­n’t you tell me my hair looked like a dead beaver?

–Prince St Cafe

Over­heard by: It DID

Black woman to in­fant held by her moth­er: Where did you get all of that hair? I want some of that hair. (pats her head) This ain’t my hair, I could re­al­ly use yours.

–Harlem Polling Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Joe

Girl yelling in­to cell: He’s not even hairy!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Well then why do they call him that?

Chick: I thought we were made for each oth­er, but he’s too beard­ed.

–113th St

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred