Archive for the ‘Ass’ Category

High Colonic Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Scruffy man to scruffy friend: … And then I stuck my thumb up her ass for some grip. Like a bowl­ing ball!

–34th & 6th

Over­heard by: Jared

Male stu­dent to two friends: No, they lit­er­al­ly put it in your ass!

–51st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: tin steve

Bilin­gual hip­ster skank on cell: … So I was like, ‘I don’t care if it is my shit — you were the one who want­ed to or­der the flan and you were the one who want­ed to put it up where it does­n’t be­long! Ex­it on­ly! Flan ex­it on­ly! No en­tra­da por na­da!’ … No, we just slept on the floor and left it all for house­keep­ing…

–Lob­by of W Ho­tel, Union Square

Train an­nounc­er: In the rear, if it won’t fit, don’t force it.

–2 train, 72nd St

Over­heard by: Brett

Gay man in kitchen: There’s ab­solute­ly noth­ing gay about me oth­er than the cook­ing and the clean­ing, and the tak­ing it up the ass.

–207th St, Wood­lawn, Bronx

Thug: Ba­by… C’­mon… Take that thing out of your butt and we’ll talk when I get back.

–Hobo­ken PATH Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Seph

Gui­do: You take it in the ass! You’re a 24-hour ass-tak­er-in­ner!

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: Patrick Di Jus­to

Maybe Mom Got a Head Wound in Iraq, or Some­thing

Lit­tle kid: Hey, mom, look! You can see the moon!
Ghet­to mom: Shut up! You can’t see no moon when the sun out. Sit down ‘fore I bust yo lit­tle ass!
Lit­tle kid: But I can see the moon!
Nice old­er la­dy to kid: You’re right, hon­ey. You can see the moon when the sun is out. The moon is bright be­cause of the sun.
Kid to mom: See, I told you I could see the moon?
Ghet­to mom: That bitch lyin’!

–A Train

Over­heard by: in­no­cent mta cus­tomer

Sylvia Had­n’t Re­al­ized They Were off Stat­en Is­land.

Suit, tap­ping singing girl on the shoul­der: You sing won­der­ful­ly.
Girl: Thank you very much.
Suit: Yeah, by “won­der­ful­ly” I mean it sounds like a cat get­ting ass raped by a don­key. So I am sure that every­one else would ap­pre­ci­ate you not do­ing that any­more as it is on­ly 6 am.
(pas­sen­gers clap)

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry Ter­mi­nal

“What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­er)”

Girl to teenage posse: Ei­ther the pen was re­al­ly weak or his butt was re­al­ly strong.

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: News­bun­ny does­n’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, af­ter av­er­age woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sand­wich out that ass!

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Din­gle­ber­ry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt mag­a­zines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Old­er woman to younger woman: If your booty de­serves the cred­it, give it the cred­it!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Cred­it!

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh