Archive for the ‘Asshole’ Category

He­m­or­rhoidal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: Hon­ey, they zapped my ass­hole.

–Out­side Tribeca Grand Ho­tel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an ac­cent on the E… His ma­ma named him Ass­hole!

–Bus, be­tween 77th & 76th

Over­heard by: It’s a Jer­sey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his ass­hole tin­gles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broad­way

Hobo: It does­n’t take a ge­nius to see it. He’s a flam­ing ass­hole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i wish i was a tourist some­times

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ ass­hole… Even in a wheel­chair he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much bet­ter than any oth­er guy I’ve dat­ed… He’s not an ass­hole, he’s not Type A… My on­ly prob­lem with him is that he’s not de­pressed enough.

–Amore’s Piz­za, 14th St

Over­heard by: dues

Or a Tran­quil­iz­er Gun

Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my corn­hole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I’m com­plete­ly im­pact­ed. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, af­ter he hangs up: Oh my god, I re­al­ly need a boyfriend.

–Sug­ar Sweet Sun­shine Bak­ery

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

If Every­body You Meet Is a Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Check the Mir­ror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Er­ic’s an ass­hole, but he’s like… my ass­hole.

–11th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Z

Man on cell: I en­joy suck­ing the wind out of ass­holes.

–Brook­lyn Pub­lic House

Over­heard by: In fair­ness, the con­ver­sa­tion was about ver­bal bul­lies

Girl: Wow, my ass­hole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four dif­fer­ent bath­rooms on this floor and the one up, so I would­n’t suf­fer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Of­fice, Mid­town

Loud dude: My ass­hole is re­al­ly fuck­ing itchy!

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: ur­banad­ven­tur­er

Crazy hobo: At­ten­tion every­one! You’re all ass­holes! Stu­pid ass­holes!!

–Park Row, near Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: Hol­lis­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Thank God for Their Pig­gy Banks

Lit­tle boy,jumping up and down: The Dow Jones is up! The Dow Jones is up!

–86th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Some Ran­dom Girl

Crazy man, shout­ing at no one in par­tic­u­lar: Fuck the econ­o­my, your ass­hole just dropped 200 points!

–8th Ave & 19th St

Slack­er on a smoke break: Yeah, Mc­Cain said he is go­ing to sus­pend his cam­paign so that he can work on the econ­o­my. I mean, re­al­ly. It would be like me say­ing I’m sus­pend­ing my pot dis­tri­b­u­tion so that I can work on quan­tum physics.

–For­est Ave., Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: po­lit­i­cal lis­ten­er

Hobo on sub­way to man in suit: Spare change? Any­one? Spare change for the home­less? You look like you worked for Lehman Broth­ers, you’re ex­cused.

–51st St

Over­heard by: Kate