Archive for the ‘Asshole’ Category

Nothing Says Fitness Like a Vein-encrusted Asshole

Bodybuilder #1: Yeah, Andy called me earlier and said that he’s dropping weight so quickly he might have to come into the competition as a lightweight.
Bodybuilder #2: There is no way that Andy can do that. I mean, he was a lightweight last year. That’s not how it works.
Bodybuilder #1: I know, he needs to really cut down on the cardio. I mean, when you have totally ripped glutes, and you have huge veins on top of those glutes, you know you’re ready for the show.
Bodybuilder #2: But whatever, he will look incredible.
Bodybuilder #1: Yes he will.

–Gold’s Gym, W. 54th Street

Overheard by: Number 4 the Lizard

Backdoor Wednesday One-liners

Drunk: If God didn’t want us to be gay, He wouldn’t have put our g‑spot all the way up our ass!

–3rd Ave. between 11th & 12th 

Overheard by: Zack

Fratboy: So if I tell her I wanna put my tongue up her ass, you think she’ll relate to me?

–1st Ave. & 10th St. 

Overheard by: Sarah T. 

Fiancee: OK, fine. You can have strippers at your bachelor party. But if I hear you stuck your dick in some nasty hooker’s ass, I’m never sucking it again.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Mad William Flint

Woman: Yeah, whatever, Mr. Doesn’t-Know-What-a-Suppository-Is!

–The Angelica, Houston Street

Goombah: Nah, nah, nah…I’d suck a guy’s dick balls deep, but I would never eat a man’s ass. That’s just gay.

–Williamsburg

Hemorrhoidal Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.

–Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole!

–Bus, between 77th & 76th

Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broadway

Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough.

–Amore’s Pizza, 14th St

Overheard by: dues

Or a Tranquilizer Gun

Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my cornhole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I’m completely impacted. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, after he hangs up: Oh my god, I really need a boyfriend.

–Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery

Wednesday One-Liners Up the Wazoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cookies. If I had that many cookies, I’d put a couple of them in my ass. (pause). It doesn’t matter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cookies.

–23rd & Lexington

Teen girl to teen boy: Unless you want a 9 millimeter stuck up your asshole.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rectal.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

20-something girl to 20-something guy, quite loudly: Yeah, but putting a metal spike up his ass wasn’t exactly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Jar Aaron

20-something woman: Baby, I think we’re going to keep the Thanksgiving dinner out of my asshole.

–Herkimer St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: M. Fresh