Archive for the ‘Assholes’ Category

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Sci­ence

For­eign­er: Ex­cusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 hold­ing steamed milk: No. You or­dered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
For­eign­er, hold­ing drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Or­der a fuckin’ lat­te, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour your­self some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the cus­tomer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valen­tine’s Day — don’t you get emo­tion­al. It’s some oth­er hol­i­day. Hell, it’s Christ­mas. [To cus­tomer] Here you go, sir! Mer­ry Christ­mas!

–Star­bucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Oh, and Speak­ing of Ass­holes …

Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look ex­haust­ed.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still work­ing on the di­vorce?
Guy #2: That’s pret­ty much fi­nal­ized, ac­tu­al­ly. It’s this girl I start­ed see­ing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you’re dat­ing that hot Russ­ian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svet­lana*. She’s a to­tal nympho — I haven’t slept in days. She won’t leave my crotch alone. Plus, when­ev­er we’re go­ing at it she keeps call­ing me ‘Mas­ter.’ It’s fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sym­pa­thy, ass­hole.

–D train

News­Flash: New Jer­sey Builds Im­mi­gra­tion Wall

Yup­pie on cell cut­ting long line, to cashier: I’d like to buy some cook­ies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yup­pie, in­to cell: I hate the fuck­ing East Side. Every­one thinks they’re hot shit. I can’t fig­ure out this fuck­ing line — all I want to do is buy some fuck­ing cook­ies… New Jer­sey is my des­tiny.

–Bak­ery, 70th & Lex