Archive for the ‘Assholes’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence

Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.

–34th & 7th

Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.

–33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wade

Woman: It’s not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cha

Guy on cell: Yes, I’m interested in your sparring class…No, you see I want to hit somebody.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Braincurve

Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don’t care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.

–Central Park

To Make You Grateful to Be Childless

Man: Excuse me, but that kid’s screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she’s two years old–
Man: –So why did you bring her?!

–Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met

Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners

Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: nicole

Mets fan: I don’t care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I’m good to go.

–7 train

Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He’s a Boston fan; let’s kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.

–126th & St Nick

Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.

–Amtrak train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Lisita

MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.

–Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station

Overheard by: Emily

Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he’s a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.

–Q65 bus

Overheard by: A White Bear

Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.

–D train

Overheard by: Lindsay J.

Spheres of Influence

Woman: I’m sorry, I know this is probably a lot to ask for, so I apologize, but do you think that you could maybe close your legs a little bit, please?
Suit, with his legs still spread wide: No. My balls are too big.

–7 train

Overheard by: cowering in corner