Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.
–Midtown office
Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.
–Midtown office
Spazzed customer: Yo, dude, I need something to help me concentrate. I have to take a really big test and then I can forget it all. I have to take the bar — have you heard of that? It’s for being a lawyer.
Employee: Um, well, we have this herbal product to increase the blood flow to your brain.
Spazzed customer: Can I smoke pot with it?
Employee: Uh, sure.
Spazzed customer: Great. You take credit cards?
Employee: Yeah.
Spazzed customer: Great, thanks [leaves the store without buying anything].
–GNC, Astoria
Chick leaving bar to friend: That’s it, I have given up on New York men!
Guy in Yankees shirt: Hey! Don’t judge us by guys from Queens.
–Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria
Overheard by: Mike H
Headline by: Nicola
Runners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T‑Shirts!” — Ijudgeyou
· “His Argument Would Carry More Weight If He Wasn’t Peeing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” — James
· “It’s Like Judging Americans by George Bush” — Allison
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” — From Brooklyn
· “Otherwise You’d All Be Lesbians” — Katie Darling
· “There Are Four More Boroughs Waiting to Disappoint You” — AngusM
Dude #1: Look at me — I’m a hairy beast. I don’t think even I could date myself.
Dude #2: Yeah, man, I don’t think I could even date you — you just wouldn’t be my type.
Dude #1: That hurts, man.
Dude #2: It would be a shitty relationship, anyway.
Dude #1: … Yeah, you’re right.
–Neptune Diner
Overheard by: Nathaniel Jones
Bum: Hey, want to get married?
Woman holds up her ring finger and keeps walking.
Bum: Aw, you’re already married? Come on, I’ve got food stamps!
–29th & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: brian
Younger man: Maybe I’ll marry your sister. Then I’ll kill myself.
Older man: I’m waiting to give my sister to an enemy.
–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!
–23rd & 8th
Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C’mon, buddy. It wasn’t meant to be.
–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so upset.
–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what’s wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?
–West 4th Station
Drunk girl with tinsel in her hair: Alright, so why is in my history that it says “thehugestcock.com”?
–Starbucks, Sheridan Square
Drunk guy: The Amazins? Fuck them! The only amazin’ thing about them is they never fucking win…
–Downtown 6 Train
Drunk man at 1:30 am: Vagina bar!
–49th St, Astoria
Drunk girlfriend to even drunker boyfriend: Ohmigod! I have to get up in five hours and teach!
–116th St
Guido teen #1: I’m serious, you do not want to go to jail in Europe!
Guido teen #2: For reals — they’re, like, mad strict over there…
Guido teen #1: Damn…
–42nd St, Astoria
Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You’re welcome!
–Washington Square Park
Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your number. He’s got crabs.
–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria
Overheard by: OhKellyO
Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part
Thug to thugette: I didn’t have warts on my body till I met you.
–Metro North
Overheard by: baconista
Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I’m sorry, I’ve just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kytt
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist