Archive for the ‘Astoria’ Category

It’s All Greek to Me

Busi­ness­guy: It’s a small world.
Busi­ness­chick: Es­pe­cial­ly in As­to­ria!
Busi­ness­guy: Ha, ha, ha!
Busi­ness­chick: Hee, hee.

–Mid­town of­fice

Where Lawyers Come From

Spazzed cus­tomer: Yo, dude, I need some­thing to help me con­cen­trate. I have to take a re­al­ly big test and then I can for­get it all. I have to take the bar — have you heard of that? It’s for be­ing a lawyer.
Em­ploy­ee: Um, well, we have this herbal prod­uct to in­crease the blood flow to your brain.
Spazzed cus­tomer: Can I smoke pot with it?
Em­ploy­ee: Uh, sure.
Spazzed cus­tomer: Great. You take cred­it cards?
Em­ploy­ee: Yeah.
Spazzed cus­tomer: Great, thanks [leaves the store with­out buy­ing any­thing].

–GNC, As­to­ria

Judge Us by the Hot­dogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spout­ing From Our Hats

Chick leav­ing bar to friend: That’s it, I have giv­en up on New York men!
Guy in Yan­kees shirt: Hey! Don’t judge us by guys from Queens.

–Bo­hemi­an Beer Gar­den, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Mike H

Head­line by: Nico­la

Run­ners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T‑Shirts!” — Ijudgey­ou
· “His Ar­gu­ment Would Car­ry More Weight If He Was­n’t Pee­ing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” — James
· “It’s Like Judg­ing Amer­i­cans by George Bush” — Al­li­son
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” — From Brook­lyn
· “Oth­er­wise You’d All Be Les­bians” — Katie Dar­ling
· “There Are Four More Bor­oughs Wait­ing to Dis­ap­point You” — An­gusM

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Who Let the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Out?

Queer, to his Ger­man Shep­herd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, re­strain­ing his dog from fol­low­ing an­oth­er dog across the street: C’­mon, bud­dy. It was­n’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman drag­ging her dog away from an­oth­er dog who is bark­ing fran­ti­cal­ly: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so up­set.

–Dit­mars Blvd, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: sara n.

Cop to his whin­ing Ger­man Shep­herd: Awww, what’s wrong ba­by? Did you see an ass­hole?

–West 4th Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Love Drunk Talk

Drunk girl with tin­sel in her hair: Al­right, so why is in my his­to­ry that it says “thehugestcock.com”?

–Star­bucks, Sheri­dan Square

Drunk guy: The Amazins? Fuck them! The on­ly amazin’ thing about them is they nev­er fuck­ing win…

–Down­town 6 Train

Drunk man at 1:30 am: Vagi­na bar!

–49th St, As­to­ria

Drunk girl­friend to even drunk­er boyfriend: Ohmigod! I have to get up in five hours and teach!

–116th St

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt