Older woman: Excuse me, have you found a set of keys in here?
Teller: No, ma’am.
Older woman: They’re not mine, they’re a friend’s.
Teller: We haven’t found any.
Older woman: If I lost my keys, I would be upset, and would want the the person who found them to give them back.
Teller: We haven’t found your keys.
Older woman: If they were my keys I would be very upset right now.
–Bank, Astoria
Overheard by: Natalie
Guy #1: Why did you cut your knish like you’re an Asian person?
Girl: Because I’m a jink!
Guy #2: Anna, you are one crazy cookie.
–Astoria
Man: I have never seen so many chinks in one Starbucks in all my life.
–Starbucks, Crosby & Spring
Overheard by: Jas
Guy: This is, like, the third time they’ve made me feel stupid in public. God, I hate Chinese people!
–Houston & Suffolk
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Construction worker #1: My boss, he’s got a mustache like Hitler.
Construction worker #2: Mine’s a Jew.
–Astoria
Wholesome-looking man, walking with several families with kids and carrying a cross: Jesus Christ died for our sins today so that we can all give blowjobs whenever we want!
–Union Square
Girl with food: Do you think I’ll get on the JumboTron if I deep throat this pickle?
–MSG: Rangers — Caps Playoff Game
40-something, during high school reunion: How dare you tell my husband I gave you a blowjob? I was a virgin in high school!
–Outside Jake’s Dillemma
Women on cell: I told him, if he didn’t start shampooing his pubes I would stop blowing him!
–14th St & 9th Ave
Middle-aged Romanian: I heard he gives better BJs than Santa Claus!
–Astoria
Overheard by: Crazy Romanians
Queer #1: Holy cow.
Queer #2: Yeah.
Queer #1: It’s huge. Did you see that?
Queer #2: I saw definition!
Queer #1: Damn.
Queer #2: It’s bigger soft than mine is hard.
–Astoria
Overheard by: L.C.P.
Fat chick on cell: Well, it kind of sucks because the subway is
like two avenue blocks away and–
Queer passerby: And there’s no Krispy Kreme in between?
–Astoria
Astoria girl #1: Ohmigod! I’m going to dinner with my hot guy friend tonight! His picture is on Facebook, I’ll show you!
(shows friend photo)
Astoria girl #2: Oh, I know him, I used to have sex with his roommate!
–Astoria Park
Little boy to dad: Does the Statue of Liberty have a claw?
–Battery Park
Little boy to mother: Will you hurry up? You’re slower than my aunt Jebediah in the bathtub!
–Clark St, Brooklyn
Four-year-old boy to mother: And then you fed me…from your belly button!
–Old Navy Store
Overheard by: Joyfully Yours
Little boy playing with friend: Buenos dias, reptile!
–Astoria Park
Overheard by: Julie & Zane
Blond six-year-old, looking at father’s New Yorker magazine: What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?
–Doma Cafe
Seven-year-old with Spiderman backpack: Dad, have I lost my youth?
–1 Train
Little girl with pigtails, running to sit with family: We’re going to the dark side!
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Woman: He’s such a great guy. If he were taller, I’d marry him. I admire him so much, and he’s gorgeous.
–Astoria
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling excitedly: I heard they have bacon flavored popcorn in Florida! I love the south!
–Flushing, Queens
Hipster girl on cell: The entire state of Mississippi isn’t a complete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.
–Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn Heights
Wino, grabbing can of beer: Here’s 15 cents. I’ll get the rest of it for you today. I promise! I’m from Georgia, I know how this shit works!
–Deli at 33rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
Loud girl to friend: Maria? Maria’s not dead, Maria’s in Virginia?
–BxM10 Bus
Overheard by: bxgirl
Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when someone says they’re throwing an “Iowa State Fair”-themed wedding, you don’t think twice about going!
–30th Ave, Astoria
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
