Archive for the ‘At the Airport’ Category

Oh No She Did­n’t

Guy #1: Is that the last Har­ry Pot­ter?
Girl with book: No, there’s one more af­ter this.
Guy #1: What? How old is he? Is­n’t he get­ting a lit­tle old to be in school?
Guy #2: He’s spe­cial, that’s why he goes to mag­ic school.
Girl with book: Yeah, Har­ry rides the short train to school.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: Ju­jubee

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

Why NY is not Min­neapo­lis

Mid­dle-aged man at the Min­neapo­lis air­port: “When Min­neso­ta first got the lot­to, they had the scratch-off lot­tery cards. I wait­ed on line in a cor­ner store, and the clerk asked me if I want­ed to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lot­tery.’ The per­son be­hind me, as I was leav­ing, bought a tick­et and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a tick­et!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I did­n’t. Be­cause I don’t play the lot­tery.’ ”

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t Up to FAA Reg­u­la­tions

Tick­et agent: Due to re­cent se­cu­ri­ty re­stric­tions, no one will be al­lowed on­board with any li­quages. No li­quages are al­lowed on­board the air­craft.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Liz

Pi­lot: Those of you who re­quire wheel­chair as­sis­tance, please re­main seat­ed.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: able to stand

Pi­lot: At­ten­tion, pas­sen­gers… this is your pi­lot from the flight deck. We’ve just been giv­en no­tice that we’re now num­ber two for take­off, so we should be get­ting off the ground in just a mo­ment… so if you could all do me a fa­vor and make sure that all your win­dows are rolled up, be­cause we’re about to go re­al­ly re­al­ly fast. Thanks for your pa­tience.

–JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the cap­tain will be dim­ming the cab­in light­ing for the re­main­der of the flight in or­der to en­hance the ap­pear­ance of the per­son sit­ting next to you. In­di­vid­ual lights are lo­cat­ed above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the per­son sit­ting next to you.

–Jet­Blue

Pi­lot: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I’m just go­ing to pow­er off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like con­trol-alt-delete on your com­put­er.

–La­Guardia

Flight at­ten­dant: Wow, that pi­lot re­al­ly does­n’t know how to fly!

–Board­ing Gate, Delta Ma­rine Air Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: Daniel

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Col­lect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re sup­posed to like be­ing in­car­cer­at­ed.

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: mkb

Mid­dle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn my­self in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this cour­t­house…

–Gi­ants Pa­rade, in Front of the Cour­t­house

Over­heard by: Ju­lian

Guy on phone: We re­al­ly got our­selves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out soon­er for good be­hav­ior. We should have nev­er got­ten in­volved.

–JFK Air­port

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Mi­ran­da rights, bitch! I will ar­rest you!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Wom­en’s Bath­room

Over­heard by: un­sure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t un­der­stand, miss. That is per­jury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not lis­ten­ing to me. I would be ar­rest­ed. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to cus­tomers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U‑Haul

When the Oc­to­pus Mates

Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sit­ting there on op­po­site ends of the couch and our feet were all in­ter­twined, and I paused and just was like, ‘Look at us! It’s like we’ve known each oth­er for ages!’ … Well, I’m think­ing of ask­ing him to get his DNA checked to see if we’re com­pat­i­ble. ‘Cause, you know, I want some­one com­pat­i­ble. I won­der what his ge­nealog­i­cal lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It’s just great that he’s will­ing to do it. It’s good that he knows I’ll be in con­trol of every­thing.

–Plane leav­ing La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Cas­san­dra