Archive for the ‘At the Airport’ Category

When the Oc­to­pus Mates

Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sit­ting there on op­po­site ends of the couch and our feet were all in­ter­twined, and I paused and just was like, ‘Look at us! It’s like we’ve known each oth­er for ages!’ … Well, I’m think­ing of ask­ing him to get his DNA checked to see if we’re com­pat­i­ble. ‘Cause, you know, I want some­one com­pat­i­ble. I won­der what his ge­nealog­i­cal lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It’s just great that he’s will­ing to do it. It’s good that he knows I’ll be in con­trol of every­thing.

–Plane leav­ing La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Cas­san­dra

At­las Winced

Girl: Where is Nor­folk again? Vir­ginia?
Guy: No, Long Is­land. Long Is­land forks in­to two parts, Nor­folk and Suf­folk.


Over­heard by: miss n.

Asian girl #1: Where is On­tario?
Asian girl #2: Um…I think it’s in the Mid­west.
Asian girl #1: Oh, re­al­ly? Is it a state?
Asian girl #2: Hmm…I’m not sure…

–27th & 7th

The Wednes­day One-lin­ers Red Eye

Stew­ardess la­dy: If there is a sud­den change in cab­in pres­sure, a mask com­part­ment above your seat will open au­to­mat­i­cal­ly. If this hap­pens, quick­ly reach for the near­est mask and pull it down firm­ly. Con­tin­ue to breathe nor­mal­ly. If you are trav­el­ling with a small child, or some­one who acts like a small child, please se­cure your mask and then as­sist them.


Over­heard by: Amy

Ter­ror Alert Lev­el: Brown

Guy #1: I had the runs the en­tire damn flight and some bitch flight at­ten­dant tells me to stop go­ing back and forth to the bath­room.
Guy #2: What did she think, you were go­ing to blow up the plane with your ex­plo­sive di­ar­rhea?
Guy #1: Well, one thing’s for sure: I left that toi­let in a hell of a mess!

–JFK Star­bucks

Over­heard by: Justin Ack­man

Econ­o­my-Class Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Air­Tran flight at­ten­dant over in­ter­com: We hope you ladies and gen­tle­men had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the win­dows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.


Air­line em­ploy­ee over loud­speak­er: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Air­line loud­speak­er, 10 min­utes lat­er: Se­ri­ous­ly, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Air­line Loud­speak­er, 10 more min­utes lat­er: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Kim

Flight at­ten­dant: The cap­tain has ad­vised us that our fly­ing time will be quick, at an al­ti­tude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK air­port

Flight at­ten­dant: We do en­counter bumps be­tween the run­way and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the cap­tain’s fault. It’s the as­phalt.

–JFK air­port

Flight At­ten­dant: Thank you for fly­ing US Air­ways, and have a hap­py… hap­py… what the hell hol­i­day is this? Colum­bus? Psssh, that ain’t no hol­i­day. Have a good week!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Amer­i­can Air­line pi­lot: Ok guys, we’re just wait­ing on some Unit­ed dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Air­port — about to take off

Over­heard by: So K

Pi­lot fly­ing in­to La­Guardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beau­ti­ful, fa­mous down­town sky­line of Man­hat­tan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sigh­ing] New Jer­sey.


Over­heard by: mj ki­ran