Archive for the ‘B-List’ Category

Cue the Least Ro­man­tic Song Ever

Thug #1: Kel­ly Bundy’s danc­ing on Broad­way.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheel­chair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I’d break her clit if I had the chance.

–F train

Girl: If I hear an­oth­er show tune out of con­text I think I’m go­ing to vom­it. Phys­i­cal­ly vom­it. You know that feel­ing?
Guy: Uh, no.

–42nd be­tween 9th & 10th

He Who Makes Mo­by Look Like Schwarzeneg­ger

Guy #1: Je­sus Christ! Michael Stipe has a big fuck­ing head.
Guy #2: I was think­ing about walk­ing up and talk­ing to him, for the sim­ple rea­son that I haven’t liked him for so many years.

–The Wal­ter Reade The­ater, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: El Cubano

Tow­elie: I Am So Wednes­day One-Linered Right Now

Wide-eyed woman on cell: Is it the drugs that are do­ing this to me?

–St Mark’s & Ave A

Guy go­ing su­per­fast on a bike with eyes closed and feet on han­dle­bars: Oh, man, I’m trip­pin’! Oh, god, I’m shroomin’!

–De­lancey St

Pro­fes­sor: Take that Ri­tal­in-Scotch-hero­in cock­tail… With a pop-tart!

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: De­nali

Fly­er guy: Any­one want to help sup­port my drug habit?

–Times Square

Girl with group of friends: You can be a re­spon­si­ble drug ad­dict… I had two jobs and went to col­lege.

–Jane & 4th St

Over­heard by: M Tod

Barnard girl: So my grand­par­ents gave me one of those Visa gift card things for $50 for Valen­tine’s Day… What the fuck am I go­ing to spend $50 on, if it’s not drugs?

–The Di­ana Cen­ter, Barnard Col­lege

Stephen Col­bert, af­ter flub­bing a line dur­ing film­ing: I’m high. (au­di­ence laughs) Don’t blog that!

–Col­bert Re­port Stu­dios, 54th St

Over­heard by: Al­li­son

My So-Called Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Pe­ter Greene (Zed from Pulp Fic­tion): What hap­pens in your life if you don’t have your gall­blad­der?

–The Li­brary, East Vil­lage

Girl on cell: My life is cursed, Cordelia!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Char­lotte

Hobo car­ry­ing tall bam­boo pole: What a life. Who wants to shoot me in the back?

–Straw­ber­ry Fields, Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Pub­lius

Girl to friend: So they, like, told me I should come up to the school for two days and, like, go to some din­ner on the first night and then do cam­pus ac­tiv­i­ties the next day. But I don’t know. That’s, like, two days of my life.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: By­stand­ing Cit­i­zen

Lit­tle girl to mom: It’s okay, mom. I’ll just go on and have a good life and nev­er learn how to whis­tle.

–80th St & Am­s­ter­dam Ave

We’re Not Look­ing for Any Se­ri­ous Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Right Now

20-some­thing girl to two girl­friends: We’ve been dat­ing for two months. Nor­mal­ly in my re­la­tion­ships, it’s “he loves me, and I love me,” but now I feel like he knows I like him, and that threat­ens me.

–Penn Sta­tion

8th grade boy to an­oth­er: Aren’t I the woman in this re­la­tion­ship?

–Bell Acad­e­my

Woman to friend: He said he want­ed to dress me up, take me out, and show me off to the world. In­stead we’d go out, he’d make me pay, and tell me how great every­one else looked.

–3rd Ave & 37th th

Cute guy in Yan­kees hat: I need a wild, de­struc­tive re­la­tion­ship for awhile.

–Broth­er Jim­my’s, 81st & Am­s­ter­dam

Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term re­la­tion­ship. You know, two to three months.

–Star­bucks, 67 & Colum­bus

Guy on cell: I don’t know if I al­ready told you this, but I don’t have a job or a show. So we could go a date un­til the end of time.

–Mac­Dou­gal & 7th St

Steve Gut­ten­berg to way-too-young date: I like you and I would like to see you, just not every day.

–Up­per West Side