Archive for the ‘Babies’ Category

It’s All Greek to Me

Busi­ness­guy: It’s a small world.
Busi­ness­chick: Es­pe­cial­ly in As­to­ria!
Busi­ness­guy: Ha, ha, ha!
Busi­ness­chick: Hee, hee.

–Mid­town of­fice

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Smooth As a Wednes­day One-Lin­er’s Bot­tom

Girl: So, I saw this woman us­ing her ba­by as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be us­ing your ba­by like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Ga­by

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your ba­by-ma­ma be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his ba­by!

–Queens

Blue col­lar Yan­kees fan about fa­ther’s car, to friends: I nev­er did noth­ing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cig­a­rette hole in the seat. I did do that. But noth­in’ else. I drove that car like a ba­by.

–E train

Over­heard by: John G

Preg­gers on cell: I’m in la­bor right now, but it’s okay be­cause I told the ba­by that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and en­joy this meal. Any child of mine can come af­ter.

–Ec­co, Cham­bers St

The Pit­ter-Pat­ter of Tiny Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just go­ing to stay home and make ba­bies.

–1 Train

Col­lege pro­fes­sor: Every­thing that is wrong in this world can be traced back to ba­bies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Just Try­ing to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m go­ing to have to can­cel for a few dif­fer­ent rea­sons. First, the ba­by has­n’t got­ten all her shots. And more im­por­tant­ly, there’s some­thing peck­ing through my wall! I’m re­al­ly freaked out!

–Bleeck­er and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, af­ter watch­ing the el­dest push the mid­dle to the ground: What are you push­ing him down for? Are you try­ing to up­set my stom­ach so I lose this ba­by in­side me?

–St Marks Place, Stat­en Is­land

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have ba­bies so much, why don’t she just be a … doc­tor!

–52nd & 7th

Pro­fes­sor: 42-year-old ba­bies don’t have bones.

–Sch­enec­tady Coun­ty Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege

As It Clear­ly States in Joss Whe­do­n’s Ver­sion Of the Bible

Pro­fes­sor: Does any­one know where the term “Passover” comes from?
Stu­dent: It’s be­cause the Jews put blood on their doors so Je­sus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.

–Class­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: dun­dun

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a the­o­ry: they just throw the horse­shit over the wall.

–Cen­tral Park South

Over­heard by: mar­ijke

Jew­ish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amaz­ing this chair is. It gives great lum­bar sup­port. You will be jeal­ous and then you will poop from jeal­ousy… But you bet­ter not poop on my chair.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Woman on cell: Hon­ey, but they were poop­ing all over the deck and hit­ting each oth­er with shov­els!

–West Vil­lage

NYU stu­dent to moth­er: You can’t re­al­ly get a good din­ner in this town for un­der ten dollars…well, you can…but you’ll just poop it out lat­er.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(moth­er no­tices tod­dler’s soiled di­a­per, says some­thing to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Tod­dler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaai­it, can I walk, so my poop does­n’t get squashed?

–Bed­ford & 5th

20-some­thing guy to friend: You need fe­ces? I can pro­vide!

–Broad­way & 12th

Over­heard by: eli­jah

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Won’t Re­mem­ber This To­mor­row

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls for­ward, taps stranger on fore­head.] her­ro! Any­body home?! [laughs hys­ter­i­cal­ly].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck tech­nol­o­gy, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fin­gered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk prep­py busi­ness­man: Just tell her to put the oil in the noo­dles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: volup­tuous­grl

Drunk girl in the bath­room, pick­ing up plas­tic bag from the garbage: Whose ba­by is this?!?!

–Madi­son Square Gar­den Bath­room

Ra­pun­zel, Ra­pun­zel, Let Down Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I can’t be­lieve you broke a nail on your own ass hair!

–Church & Cham­bers

Three-year-old boy to an­oth­er: I like you but I don’t like your ba­by be­cause your ba­by grabbed my hair.

–Cen­tral Park, Great Lawn

Girl: Oh, I’m so glad this is all work­ing out. (gets up and sees her re­flec­tion) Fuck! Why did­n’t you tell me my hair looked like a dead beaver?

–Prince St Cafe

Over­heard by: It DID

Black woman to in­fant held by her moth­er: Where did you get all of that hair? I want some of that hair. (pats her head) This ain’t my hair, I could re­al­ly use yours.

–Harlem Polling Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Joe

Girl yelling in­to cell: He’s not even hairy!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Well then why do they call him that?

Chick: I thought we were made for each oth­er, but he’s too beard­ed.

–113th St

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred