Archive for the ‘Babies’ Category

The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!

–Madison Square Garden Bathroom

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I can't believe you broke a nail on your own ass hair!

–Church & Chambers

Three-year-old boy to another: I like you but I don't like your baby because your baby grabbed my hair.

–Central Park, Great Lawn

Girl: Oh, I'm so glad this is all working out. (gets up and sees her reflection) Fuck! Why didn't you tell me my hair looked like a dead beaver?

–Prince St Cafe

Overheard by: It DID

Black woman to infant held by her mother: Where did you get all of that hair? I want some of that hair. (pats her head) This ain't my hair, I could really use yours.

–Harlem Polling Station

Overheard by: Joe

Girl yelling into cell: He's not even hairy!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Well then why do they call him that?

Chick: I thought we were made for each other, but he's too bearded.

–113th St

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

The Ugly Business of Wednesday One-Liners

Agitated papi: I love him like a brother, but he a fuckin’ inconsiderate, ungrateful, selfish bastard! And he got a ugly baby!

–14th & University

Overheard by: Manhattman

Young Kid: New York is ugly!

–JFK

Overheard by: Latoya Siratana

Wise teen girl: That’s not giving up on him. That’s letting him fuck uglier girls.

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: walking the bridge

Giggling little girl in stroller: I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly…!

–Downtown R train

Older woman to complete stranger: You should really stop eating that crap because it’s going to make you uglier than you already are!

–Fairway, W 73rd St

Overheard by: just trying to buy my groceries…

B&T guy: As I was saying, just ’cause you’re ugly, don’t mean you’re smart.

–Lower East Side

Sounds Like It Worked Perfectly

Yuppie guy #1: Well, they’re in that “Baby-Coma mood” for, like, the first, three or four months. You can basically plop ’em down anywhere, and they just stay there. It’s cool.
Yuppie guy #2: But what if it starts wailin’?
Yuppie guy #1: Oh, then you give it to the wife. You just say, kinda sweet-like, “Someone wants his Mom-my.”
Yuppie guy #2: That works?
Yuppie guy #1: That’s what my brother-in-law said…But then again, he is divorced now.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Rory J. Thompson

Are There No Applebee's? Are All the Olive Gardens Full?

Woman at table: Ugh, I can't believe they would do that! It's so rude!
Friend: Who? What?
Woman: Bring a child out. (motions to screaming toddler two tables away)
Friend: Well, it's not like they farted or something.
Woman: Still, it's gross. This isn't Connecticut, and there should be laws–for everyone's safety!

–Dos Caminos, Soho

Overheard by: Tommy