Archive for the ‘Babies’ Category

Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners

Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don’t know shit about shit!

–Fordham University

Announcer: The 10:30… Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit…

–LIRR terminal, Penn Station

Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit.

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: BJ

Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!

–NYU dining hall

Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? ‘Oh, shit.’ And guess who she learned it from? Mommy.

–Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus

Overheard by: Robert

Wednesdsay Caniners

Middle-aged suit to another: You definitely don't want to be on the streets with three miniature Dachshunds on the loose.

–46th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: alexander

Guy at dinner with friends: No, slapping her ass isn't perverted, it's just inappropriate. Perverted would be jerking off onto my dog's face or some shit.

–23rd & 10th

Overheard by: Matt

White gay man to another: Every time I see a dog chained to a parking meter and the owner is like in the store, it makes me want to call the NAACP.

–M7 Bus

Overheard by: HarlemAllDay

Ghetto woman on cell: A Maltese dog. A Maltese! (pause) One of them little dogs that don't never grow.

–27th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Katherine

Flamboyant gay man to couple pushing bulldog in stroller: Oh my god! Your dog ate your baby!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Bottle

Woman on train yelling to one who didn’t make it: I’m still not giving the baby back!

–1 train

Overheard by: ana

Pregnant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack baby…

–6 train

Overheard by: Hoping her baby isn’t a crackhead…

Hipster on cell: So, how’s your baby? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Evan

Bus driver to another: … And I was like, ‘How do you forget your baby on the bus?!’

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Elliott

Woman: Oh my god, I was in the other elevator and this lady was going in with a crib. I didn’t know she had a baby! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I totally was in my own world and didn’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that elevator, so now I’m here.

–Crowded elevator, BPC South End Ave

Chick to friend: If she had never aborted that baby me and him woulda never got together, ’cause I don’t fuck with niggas with kids. Fuck that shit.

–L train, Montrose Ave stop

Overheard by: Emily

Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother– Shut Yo' Mouth!

Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Overheard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.

–R Train

Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.

–Midtown

Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Overheard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.

–37th & 7th

Privacy Maniacs