Archive for the ‘Babies’ Category

It’s All Greek to Me

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.

–Midtown office

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Party!

Concerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of gettin’ like, an STD or something? Don’t you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn’t. I mean, he’s been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin’ ever happened. (points to belly, implying she’s pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I’ll take my baby with me!

–E Train

Headline by: Erica Neumann

Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” — twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” — Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” — Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” — All by myself.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Smooth As a Wednesday One-Liner’s Bottom

Girl: So, I saw this woman using her baby as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be using your baby like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Overheard by: Gaby

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your baby-mama be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his baby!

–Queens

Blue collar Yankees fan about father’s car, to friends: I never did nothing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cigarette hole in the seat. I did do that. But nothin’ else. I drove that car like a baby.

–E train

Overheard by: John G

Preggers on cell: I’m in labor right now, but it’s okay because I told the baby that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and enjoy this meal. Any child of mine can come after.

–Ecco, Chambers St

The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can’t really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you’ll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler’s soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn’t get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah