Archive for the ‘Bank’ Category

He Hates Sweeping Up Shattered Ethnic Stereotypes

Old Jewish man: My doorman doesn’t like me.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: Why?
Old Jewish man: If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. I had a bunch of newspapers I had to throw out, but I had to put them in the recycling bin. So I was opening it up when a black woman said to me, “aw, sir, you don’t have to go through the garbage!” and she gave me twenty dollars!
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: You didn’t keep it, did you?
Old Jewish man: She dashed away down the stairs! I had to.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: And the doorman saw that?
Old Jewish man: Uh-huh.

–Chase Bank, Queens Blvd

Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie control our lives!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Poogins

Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Desperate Housewives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t believe you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, seriously bro… Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: “I wanna forget you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For real?” It was crazy, you gotta catch it!

–Times Square Office Building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Redhead: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world without urges.

–Veniero’s, 11th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangsta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Order: SVU’, I’m not getting in your van.”

–15th between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Disunionsquare

Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl’s camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.] 

–Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square

Ada Had an Identical Conversation With the Doctor About Her Husband’s Viagra Prescription

Older woman: Excuse me, have you found a set of keys in here?
Teller: No, ma’am.
Older woman: They’re not mine, they’re a friend’s.
Teller: We haven’t found any.
Older woman: If I lost my keys, I would be upset, and would want the the person who found them to give them back.
Teller: We haven’t found your keys.
Older woman: If they were my keys I would be very upset right now.

–Bank, Astoria

Overheard by: Natalie

Wednesday One-Liner: The Musical

Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!

–Curtis High School, Staten Island

Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.

–Jazz at Lincoln Center

Guy on cell: I guess they’re musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Overheard by: Queixa

Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Kateri

Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I’ve never been here before, but I’m actually having a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.

–Marie’s Crisis Piano Bar

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard

You’ll Be Embarrassed When You Realize He’s Talking on His New Bluetooth

Hobo to himself: The VA wants $200. (pause) How can I give them $200? (pause) I only get $320. (pause) Maybe I’ll bribe them. (pause) No, that won’t work–you need money to bribe people.

–Chase ATM, Grammercy

Overheard by: cmk

Headline by: Luminesce

Runners-Up:
· “He’ll Be Running a Hedge Fund in No Time” — again
· “I Guess the Facelift Will Have to Wait” — JohnAustin
· “In the End, He’ll Use His Sex Appeal” — Daniel
· “It’s a Catch-22” — Gary
· “Or Just Vomit on Their Doorstep Until They Cave in” — Fresca P
· “You Could Try to Sell Barack Obama’s Senate Seat” — Nick Pollotta

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Also, I May Need to Be Changed

Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain’t got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what’s my social again?

–Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: Tabitha

Don’t Trust Anybody over Fifty

Customer: How much are money orders here?
Teller: Well, I see that you are over the age of fifty so it’ll be free for you.
Customer: Ok, so can I have a money order for $260?
Teller: Ok, so do you want to pay that in cash or withdraw from your account?
Customer: Excuse me?
Teller: How do you want to provide the funds for the money order?
Customer: I thought you said it was free.
Teller: There is no fee for the money order but you still need to provide the funds for it.
Customer: Oh, well you should have made that clear.
Teller: Wow, I’m sorry.

–Commerce Bank, Jackson Heights

Overheard by: E