Archive for the ‘Bank’ Category

He Hates Sweep­ing Up Shat­tered Eth­nic Stereo­types

Old Jew­ish man: My door­man does­n’t like me.
Younger re­tired Jew­ish man with dog: Why?
Old Jew­ish man: If I told you, you would­n’t be­lieve it. I had a bunch of news­pa­pers I had to throw out, but I had to put them in the re­cy­cling bin. So I was open­ing it up when a black woman said to me, “aw, sir, you don’t have to go through the garbage!” and she gave me twen­ty dol­lars!
Younger re­tired Jew­ish man with dog: You did­n’t keep it, did you?
Old Jew­ish man: She dashed away down the stairs! I had to.
Younger re­tired Jew­ish man with dog: And the door­man saw that?
Old Jew­ish man: Uh-huh.

–Chase Bank, Queens Blvd

Thank God the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie con­trol our lives!


Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Home­less crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twen­ties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Des­per­ate House­wives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large lati­no: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t be­lieve you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, se­ri­ous­ly bro… Well the main thing that hap­pened was Hei­di tried to apol­o­gize to LC and she was all like: “I wan­na for­get you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For re­al?” It was crazy, you got­ta catch it!

–Times Square Of­fice Build­ing

Over­heard by: SU­SAN

Red­head: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world with­out urges.

–Ve­niero’s, 11th St be­tween 1st & 2nd

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Mus­cu­lar guy: He comes up to me talk­ing all this shit, say­ing that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangs­ta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skin­ny moth­er­fuc­ka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Ful­some girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Or­der: SVU’, I’m not get­ting in your van.”

–15th be­tween 6th and 7th

Over­heard by: Dis­union­square

Aries Spears, in line for an Ash­lee Simp­son au­to­graph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a ran­dom girl’s cam­era and snaps a pic­ture of them to­geth­er and walks away.]

–Vir­gin Mo­bile Mega Store, Times Square

Ada Had an Iden­ti­cal Con­ver­sa­tion With the Doc­tor About Her Hus­band’s Vi­a­gra Pre­scrip­tion

Old­er woman: Ex­cuse me, have you found a set of keys in here?
Teller: No, ma’am.
Old­er woman: They’re not mine, they’re a friend’s.
Teller: We haven’t found any.
Old­er woman: If I lost my keys, I would be up­set, and would want the the per­son who found them to give them back.
Teller: We haven’t found your keys.
Old­er woman: If they were my keys I would be very up­set right now.

–Bank, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Wednes­day One-Lin­er: The Mu­si­cal

Girl to class: I love clas­si­cal mu­sic! I lis­ten to the Bam­bi sound­track all the time!

–Cur­tis High School, Stat­en Is­land

Guy in lob­by, at in­ter­mis­sion: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in con­cert… Hootie and the Blow­fish.

–Jazz at Lin­coln Cen­ter

Guy on cell: I guess they’re mu­si­cians. They put bitch­es ahead of prac­tice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Over­heard by: Queixa

Gay man to an­oth­er, walk­ing out of a bank: I mean, if you lis­ten to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Les­bian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and lis­ten to Melis­sa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Ka­teri

Straight girl with a seat at the pi­ano: No, I’ve nev­er been here be­fore, but I’m ac­tu­al­ly hav­ing a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but ear­li­er he was play­ing The Sound of Mu­sic, and I was rock­ing out to that.

–Marie’s Cri­sis Pi­ano Bar

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Crazy old cat la­dy to guy who just shut off ob­nox­ious­ly loud mu­sic in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Park­way & North­ern Boule­vard

You’ll Be Em­bar­rassed When You Re­al­ize He’s Talk­ing on His New Blue­tooth

Hobo to him­self: The VA wants $200. (pause) How can I give them $200? (pause) I on­ly get $320. (pause) Maybe I’ll bribe them. (pause) No, that won’t work–you need mon­ey to bribe peo­ple.

–Chase ATM, Gram­mer­cy

Over­heard by: cmk

Head­line by: Lu­mi­nesce

· “He’ll Be Run­ning a Hedge Fund in No Time” — again
· “I Guess the Facelift Will Have to Wait” — JohnAustin
· “In the End, He’ll Use His Sex Ap­peal” — Daniel
· “It’s a Catch-22” — Gary
· “Or Just Vom­it on Their Doorstep Un­til They Cave in” — Fres­ca P
· “You Could Try to Sell Barack Oba­ma’s Sen­ate Seat” — Nick Pol­lot­ta

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Al­so, I May Need to Be Changed

Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an ac­count, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain’t got my card or my num­ber.
Clerk: Sir, I need your so­cial se­cu­ri­ty num­ber, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mom­my, what’s my so­cial again?

–Chase Bank, Broad­way & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Tabitha

Don’t Trust Any­body over Fifty

Cus­tomer: How much are mon­ey or­ders here?
Teller: Well, I see that you are over the age of fifty so it’ll be free for you.
Cus­tomer: Ok, so can I have a mon­ey or­der for $260?
Teller: Ok, so do you want to pay that in cash or with­draw from your ac­count?
Cus­tomer: Ex­cuse me?
Teller: How do you want to pro­vide the funds for the mon­ey or­der?
Cus­tomer: I thought you said it was free.
Teller: There is no fee for the mon­ey or­der but you still need to pro­vide the funds for it.
Cus­tomer: Oh, well you should have made that clear.
Teller: Wow, I’m sor­ry.

–Com­merce Bank, Jack­son Heights

Over­heard by: E