Archive for the ‘Bartenders’ Category

If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One

Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brooklyn Music School

Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mickey

Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!

–Times Square

Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

‘Cause If You Do Like Torture, My Culture Is All Over That

D.O.M.: I really like your culture.
Cute Japanese bartender: You… like torture?
D.O.M.: What? No, no… Culture — culture….
Bartender: [Silence.]D.O.M.: Culture. Man, how do I say this…?
Bartender: [Silence.]D.O.M.: … I like what you guys do.
Bartender, leery: Thanks…

–Japanese restaurant

Overheard by: aulevan

Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship

Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell anyone. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.

–Nation, 45th & 5th

Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink