Archive for the ‘Bartenders’ Category

If You’re Against Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Don’t Have One

Opera di­rec­tor, af­ter tech sticks a wire hang­er un­der the ther­mo­stat box to turn up the heat: Well, some­one just got an abor­tion! (every­one stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brook­lyn Mu­sic School

Com­e­dy club pro­mot­er: Cheap­er than a Chi­nese abor­tion!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Mick­ey

Bar cus­tomer to bar­tender: You’re on­ly 22? I have an abort­ed fe­tus that’s old­er than you!

–110th & Am­s­ter­dam

Man sell­ing tick­ets: Help me pay for my girl­friend’s abor­tion by com­ing to the com­e­dy club!

–Times Square

Man to very preg­nant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had got­ten an abor­tion.

–D Train

Over­heard by: blis­tex­ad­dict

An­oth­er Strike and You’re Out, Sweet­heart

Woman: Ho­la! Una wheat­grass con gin­ger… Por fa­vor!
Lati­na girl be­hind counter: Ex­cuse me? You want­ed what, ex­act­ly?
Woman: Um­mm… A wheat­grass shot with gin­ger?
Girl: You do re­al­ize we don’t have that, don’t you?

–Juicy Lucy’s, Av­enue A

Over­heard by: JKS

‘Cause If You Do Like Tor­ture, My Cul­ture Is All Over That

D.O.M.: I re­al­ly like your cul­ture.
Cute Japan­ese bar­tender: You… like tor­ture?
D.O.M.: What? No, no… Cul­ture — cul­ture.…
Bar­tender: [Silence.]D.O.M.: Cul­ture. Man, how do I say this…?
Bar­tender: [Silence.]D.O.M.: … I like what you guys do.
Bar­tender, leery: Thanks…

–Japan­ese restau­rant

Over­heard by: aule­van

On­ly One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Re­la­tion­ship

Bar­tender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell any­one. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few peo­ple over on Fri­day, and when every­one left my pants were miss­ing. So I had every­one over again on Sun­day, and I left the draw­er with my pants closed. He goes to the bath­room and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my draw­er is open and I am miss­ing a pair of pants.
Wait­ress: So what are you gonna do?
Bar­tender: From now on I on­ly buy skirts.

–Na­tion, 45th & 5th

Over­heard by: Bare­ly swal­lowed my drink

Read­er Poll: Which Part Of That Last State­ment Was More Dis­turb­ing?

20-some­thing guy: His beard makes him look like Chuck Nor­ris.
20-some­thing girl: Who?
Bar­tender: Chuck Nor­ris. He was Walk­er, Texas Ranger.
20-some­thing guy: You don’t know who Chuck Nor­ris is?
20-some­thing girl: I feel like we al­ways talk about Chuck Nor­ris and I have no idea who he is.

–3rd St & Berry, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: